For those of you who don't know me very well, I'll give you a backstory. My sophomore year of high school was the most painful part of my life. I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, which manifested into severe depression. I hardly left the house, and when I did, I felt the earth shaking beneath my feet. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, and I didn't get out of bed for months. I would hurt myself every day, multiple times if possible, by cutting myself or burning myself. When my health was the worst, I had attempted suicide three times. My life felt like a roller coaster that never came back up, and I felt stuck. As someone who has lived with this for years, I've learned that life doesn't always get better, we just learn to cope with ourselves. We survive rather than live.
I do not wear my depression proudly. It's more like a battle scar that constantly reminds me of my past. It reminds me of all the times I almost didn't wake up, or all of the times I took a blade to my skin. Depression is a battle, and one I feel like I have constantly lost. I struggle to accept compliments, or when people even glance in my direction sometimes. I struggle to feel accepted in many ways, and I hate feeling like the center of attention. I notice everyone, and how confident people are and I wish I felt that way about myself. I can hardly wear my depression, yet some people wear theirs as the newest trend from a high-fashion magazine.
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Seeing people post on social media how "beautiful" and "poetic" suicide and depression are, need a reality check. Pardon my french, but fuck you. Fuck you for thinking my scars are something to write about for your blog. Fuck you for thinking swallowing hundreds of pills is more beautiful than the sun rising over the ocean. My life is not a poem to be written or a song to be sung. I am a fucking person and I deserve to be treated like one. Speaking of, I am not that different from everyone else. I am not a carnival exhibit, nor will I ever be. I am not a circus act you pay money to watch. I have feelings; deep, strong feelings that deserve to be heard.
Not to mention that having mental illness should never be seen as “cool” or “trendy”. Nor should mental health change someone’s value. We are all people in this world and we deserve to be treated that way. My worth does not decrease because of my health, nor should in increase. Having depression doesn’t make someone more creative, artistic, or beautiful. Everyone is amazing in their own way, and mental health shouldn’t make or break that.
With all of that being said, how I feel is something I would never wish on anyone else. I would never want someone to feel their bones breaking with every move. I would never want someone to feel their world shattering around them. I would never want someone to feel that death is the only way out, because it’s not. What I feel is not poetic, it is pain. It is hell, and you should never wear that as a statement.
