Apparently, it’s not normal to want to die every day.
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Apparently, it is not okay to not care whether you wake up in the morning or not.
I thought this happened to everyone. I thought that this gloomy grey feeling that I feel every single day was normal. It’s my normal. I have heard other people talk about it, so I assumed that it was their normal too.
I hardly remember a day where I woke up and did not feel like there was some kind of weight on my shoulders or like I really needed to live until the next day. When I think of those around me, I feel like I am a burden that they have to take care of, because I cannot lift myself up.
I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to save myself either. When I get in the car, there are times when I don’t fasten my seat belt. Often, I cross the road without looking both ways. I have fallen asleep with a candle lit. No, I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to save myself either.
And sometimes, that feels like the worst part. I can’t give up or choose to fight. I don’t feel like I have a choice to feel better or to just stop living. I feel the need to go through every day, doing my best, giving my all, because if I just give my best then maybe I’ll be happy, maybe I will feel better. Some call it high-functioning depression- I call it the reason I get up in the morning. I’m afraid if I act depressed, if people know that I’m not okay then my life will stop. That I won’t be able to make it to my classes, or my meetings, or my friends and that will mean that I am actually depressed. Because if I’m giving it my all, I can’t actually be depressed. I won’t actually ever do myself any harm. But I will never feel accomplished or extremely proud of myself either. I’m afraid that I’m not really feeling things at all.
Other people have to feel like this, right? If we keep adding items to our resume, if we fill our time up with activities and leadership and good grades, that we won’t have to stop and think about how we might kill ourselves. If I am too busy to think, I am protecting myself… until I’m alone with myself.
If you're feeling this, know that you're not alone. Please know that these symptoms and these feelings are real and do warrant the help of a professional. Tell someone who can actually help you, and they might help you save your own life.
