Depression and paralyzing anxiety were part of my every waking moment for almost 4 years. I let that mindset control me and even though I don’t constantly struggle with either of those demons now, there are for sure moments where I feel them surging to the surface. For me, these moments determine who I am. These moments of temptation and surging pressure are vital: Will I let myself give in or will I overcome my past and power over it?

I dealt with these two monsters for part of 2011 and until my freshman year of college in 2015. I feel like I truly beat my depression in the fall of 2015. But why would these feelings resurface? I have zero reasons to be depressed or anxious… but this was my entire life for 4 years, I can’t just automatically retrain my brain, and honestly, expecting myself to be able to flip a switch and be healthy again is totally unrealistic.

Depression and anxiety are a deadly concoction because they create loneliness and I have mastered the art of loneliness and wallowing in self-pity. Loneliness is almost like a drug when used right, it’s a numb state I can slip in and out of to avoid pain. Self-pity lets me sit there in the numb void.

Depression and the fall out effects are now a crutch I can use to cope with my own sin problems.

When I’m jealous, I feel the same darkness I felt during my depression surge. Now I have the choice to grab a hold of the darkness and let it cover me like a blanket. Or will I push it away and deal with my problem?

When I know I’ve messed up with my friends, I let myself get worked up and anxious about everything in my life. I feel the same anxious feelings well in my heart, just like they did about everything for years before.

When I am angry, I feel my natural instinct to pull away from everyone and everything but I have to fight to push it away. And that’s the fight with depression and anxiety post putting that lifestyle in the grave. There is a haunting afterlife to depression and anxiety for me.

If you have struggled with depression (or whatever your beast may be) and still have the aftershocks, you are not crazy. I think I needed to hear that for myself before I truly caught on. Especially issues that were long term, (or in my case, caused literal neurological damage) they are not beat, put to death and forgotten in one night. I wish that’s the way it was. The battle isn’t over right when you “beat” the monster inside you, the battle continues until the aftershocks stop.

Have courage, the confidence to do the right thing even when it’s hard, to not succumb to the fleeting twisted pleasure of depression or anxiety. They are bullies and we can be more than conquerors.