Take a few seconds right now and imagine a world where happiness is extinct and isolation is constant. A hurricane of emotions overwhelms your mind. Then the next moment, your body calms like when you hear the sound of raindrops hitting the pavement. You feel numb. You are in a constant battle with yourself. You spend the majority of your time asleep so that you don't have to deal with the pain you feel behind your open eyes or just to turn the voices off for a few hours. You isolate yourself because it is easier to say, "I'm tired" than having to admit you don't have the mental energy or motivation to even go out and get dinner with a few friends. Eventually, you miss a lot of school because your mind is exhausted from the daily torment. Your grades fall, but you don't care because depression tells you that you aren't good enough. Your thoughts get jumbled and the voices in your head become so dominant that you forget your own.
I spent six years of my life experiencing this mental torture. I never spoke up because I didn't want the attention on me or to burden my family. After a close suicide attempt during my sophomore year of high school, I knew it was time for me to get help. I admitted myself into an outpatient program to get the help I needed. I knew I needed more than just medication and therapy once a week. It was the hardest, but most rewarding experience of my life.
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Now, I don't hide in the shadows like I used to. I don't picture my depression as a brick dragging me down into the water anymore. I am able to swim to the surface. I am fortunate to be here today. With depression as my teacher, I have learned that I should be an actress.
On my first day of psychotherapy in the hospital, we had to go around the circle and introduce ourselves. It was the typical topics, such as your name, age, school, and why you are there. When it came to me, I explained how I was diagnosed with depression and almost attempted suicide. The therapist looked at me square in the face and said, "you don't look depressed." That sticks in my mind even now, two years later. It was at that moment that I realized I had gotten so used to smiling to hide my pain that I gave my introduction with a smile on my face. I finally understood how sick I was. It was ironic that inside, my mind was tearing me apart, but on the outside, I had a huge smile on my face. From this, I want you to know that you do not need to hide behind your smile. You may think that by smiling, you'll eventually feel happy. I'm here to tell you that you may feel happy for a little, but it won't last. I wish it would. Depression will sneak out of the corners of your mind and steal that away. Know that you deserve to be truly and genuinely happy. Everyone does. Show the world how you really feel and become a better version of yourself through help.
Listen to the professionals.
I'm sure all of you researched depression, heard of it from a psychology class, or saw it in a movie. Majority of the time, the facts are correct. If you are on medication and/or going to therapy, I applaud you. You have gotten the help you need. For those of you that haven't and need to, please do. I am begging you. You will not regret it. My only regret is that I didn't get help sooner.
When it comes to medication and therapy, please do what the professionals say to do. Take your medicine when you're supposed to and show up to therapy. I know the mindset of "I'll be fine without it. I can conquer this on my own." I admire your strength. However, in order to overcome this obstacle, you need help. You don't have to do everything on your own, especially not this. This daily battle requires a team of support.
You are allowed to be happy.
Just typing those six simple words brings relief. With depression, the voices convinced me I wasn't good enough and that the world was better off without me; I was a waste of space. Now that I have been off medication for months and stopped therapy awhile ago, my cognition is altered. I am able to value my worth. I have been to hell and back, but I survived. I still am surviving. You will survive, too. You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
You've heard it a million times from teachers, coaches, and parents. I'm here telling you to listen. Help is not a sign of weakness. Don't worry about being that one person in class that always asks for help. Also, don't worry about what others may think of you. That is easier said than done, but anyone who doesn't support you or root for you to improve in all aspects of your life is not worth a millisecond of your time. In school and in life, help will make your life easier. It should never be something that holds you back from growing. The stigma surrounding depression is absurd. If someone breaks their arm, they seek medical help. View depression as the same way. Both require medical attention, medication, and/or therapy. The pain is there. The only difference is that one is visible. It should not matter if it is a physical or mental illness. Seek help, because you are worth it. You are so worth it. There will always be someone that loves and cares about you.
Never give up.
If you are reading this, then make sure you remember those three words. Never. Give. Up. Write those three words down all over your room, your notebook, wherever you will see them daily. As a permanent reminder, I had "with struggle comes perseverance, character, and hope," tattooed on my shoulder. You are worth so much more than your mind will ever let you see. Get help and talk to someone. Do not keep it bottled up inside. At some point, you will end up with too much baggage to carry, and you will collapse from the weight. Do not let yourself experience that much pain. You are never alone. You are beautiful and deserve so much more that the world has to offer.
I hope that in some way, I have helped you, whether it is in understanding depression, understanding yourself, or understanding that there are ways to overcome this terrible illness. Remember: you are not alone. You are worth it. Someone loves you and cares about you. Don't be afraid to share your story. It will get better.
"I had a black dog, his name was depression."
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
