As the coronavirus pandemic is beginning to hopefully fade away thanks to the efforts of healthcare workers and those who helped develop and distribute the vaccine, I expect that our society will be left reflecting on our experiences during the pandemic and what we learned from it. So here is my reflection on my thoughts and experiences during the pandemic.

My mental state was already full of nihilistic existential angst and despair about the sheer scale of the suffering inherent in the human condition just before the COVID-19 pandemic started ruining everything we hold dear, and I have already been doomscrolling about all those horrible problems that plagued the entire world long before all of this pathetic shit hit the fan. That's why I didn't feel surprised when this goddamned mother-raping pandemic began even when I was so shocked to the core about all those countless deaths of innocent people and the unspeakable suffering that comes with it. But even though I was relatively safe from the scourge of COVID-19 because of taking all those safety precautions and shit like wearing facemasks outside, I felt like I could only helplessly watch as unfathomable numbers of people senselessly fell victim to COVID-19 as it ravaged and devastated the world. That's like having to witness millions and millions of people suffer and die in the most senseless ways ever possible, even while just sitting in a place that is completely safe and gives you everything you want. It's so fucking traumatizing and disgusting that it is sure to turn even the optimistic and happy people in the world into angsty brooding cynical edgelords who will never ever find happiness in anything.

And that's not even counting all the horrific shit the humanity has had to put up with just by simply existing. Fucked up shit like climate change, crapsack living conditions that countless people are forced to live with, refugee crises, racism, discrimination and persecution that corrupts the very soul of society and humanity, sexism and misogyny that was so severe that they had to bring about the #MeToo movement, oppressive and totalitarian regimes that make their peoples' lives a living hell just because they are unlucky enough to even exist under their tyrannical rule, systemic horrors such as war crimes, crimes against humanity, mass murder, mass rape and genocides like the Holocaust that still repeat for who knows how many fucking times no matter how many times we solemnly promise "never again" because of our silence, ignorance and indifference to human life and dignity, leaving all of these countless victims to suffer in vain without any hope of rest or peace for all the trauma they were forced to suffer, with each individual victim condemned to the atrocious fate of being reduced to someone once full of life and humanity doomed to be one amongst the countless dehumanized masses of tortured souls senselessly degraded into something too insignificant to even matter anymore. All those endless injustices caused by humanity's inhumanity to itself that are the consequences of its madness and fucked up nature have driven me crazy to the point I doubt whether a race of inherently self-destructive beings like humanity is ever even worth saving. Sometimes I feel like that humanity has crossed the moral event horizon and therefore beyond any hope of redemption and thus has to be wiped out just to spare further possible generations of human beings the sheer despair and horror of being born into a world where they are doomed to experience the horrors of suffering, inflicting it upon others just to protect themselves from it, or extremely likely even both. Since all of this sounds so antinatalistic that it goes against my fundamental beliefs that life is inherently valuable, I honestly wish that I didn't ever have to say anything like this at all.

One of most disturbing facts about the world that I loathe to such an incomprehensible extreme is the fact that no one can ever truly relate to, understand, or even fathom the lived experiences of people who have been victims of all of those horrific tragedies that befall countless millions of innocent people unlucky enough to be doomed to such hellish fates. And I was one of the lucky few people who got off relatively easy in life without personally having gone though all of this shit that makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. How can I even believe that I can't even come close to understanding the feelings and experiences of people who had no choice but to face all of this hopelessness and despair, all of these senseless and meaningless tragedies, and all of the sorrow and pain that plagues our very existence unless I commit some really horrifying act of self-harm that I desperately try extremely hard just to avoid doing?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!! Say all the shit you want about people complaining about COVID-19 when they don't have to live through even worse pandemics like the 1918 influenza or the Black Death, but I'm not going give even the smallest fuck about how grateful I am or how grateful I should be not to have even lived in the worst times to be alive in history anymore! Because why should I even have to be this goddamn lucky like some gambling addict who went extremely rich overnight just to enjoy a decent life where I can live in peace and happiness?!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one should ever even need this kind of luck just to live decently! Seriously!

All of this atrocious bullshit has led to me feeling a sense of grimdark in the world that makes me question even the very concept of existence itself. I sometimes even feel like going meta about real life, wishing to do meta things such as breaking the fourth wall just to rebel against all of this drama and nonsense about human existence that I am so sick and tired of witnessing. Even if I absolutely know that it will all be futile and worthless in the end, it is so much better than just giving up and accepting all of those horrible things about real life. Because the chances of me accepting all of this horrific suffering that plagues the world and all of humanity as a part of life and the human condition are about as low as the probability that Guts would ever even consider forgiving Griffith for what he did to him, Casca, and the rest of his comrades during the Eclipse - absolutely nothing. This is why I desperately wish that I could just Thanos snap all of these fucked up things out of existence for all eternity. All of those heinous things that really fucking suck, such as trauma, abuse of any kind, such as physical, mental, emotional, and worst of all, sexual abuse, having to learn from the suffering of countless beings and other really bad things just to get by in life, racism, sexism, oppression, dehumanization, people being so dysfunctional that they end up turning against each other in the most disturbing and self-destructive ways possible, states of consciousness worse than even death, and everything else so seriously fucked up about human nature and the human experience. All of them wiped out and erased from space and time, from all possible realities, to absolute and total oblivion without even the slightest trace. All of them retconned out of existence, completely and utterly obliterated and totally gone. Forever and for all eternity.

Believing in hope feels like getting high on an addictive drug that makes people really happy before they end up getting so fucked up and gaslighting yourself into feeling like the world's okay regardless of how insane the state of the world actually is. That's why I've gone cold turkey with hope regardless of what consequences I have to bear for the rest of my life. But still, I so desperately want to believe in hope and the goodness of human nature and appreciate all the cool things about existence without ending up having to do something so fucked up just to keep myself sane enough to enjoy real life, that I wish that real life wasn't full of all of this fridge horror.

So there you have it. My reflection on my experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic. Wubba lubba dub dub.