One thing most people don’t know about me is that I struggle with sadness. I hate calling it depression because I really don’t think that’s what it is, but we'll just call it depression for this article's sake. What happens in this depression is a struggle against overwhelming sadness, hatred, loneliness, anger, bitterness, confusion, and unworthiness. When under this darkness I might feel isolated, or like my friends secretly hate me. I might feel like I’m not good at anything, and that my existence does not benefit this world in any way. I will feel angry and bitter towards everyone and I won’t even know why. I will lash out at the people I love and cause temporary (maybe permanent, but only time will tell) damage to my relationships.
I’ve told some of my good friends about these periods of darkness I go through, and most of them understand.
However, one of my good friends recently revealed to me that she doesn’t understand why I sometimes struggle with these bouts of depression because I’ve had such a “good life.”
I thought about that for a few days and I realized my friend may be on to something. Why do I get so down and out of it? I really have had such a good life! But ... maybe that’s the problem. Maybe my life has been too good. Maybe I’m so bored from the lack of tragedy that my brain’s neurotransmitters tell my hormones, “Whoa! Hold up on the serotonin, there. This person needs a little sadness to spice things up.” Yeah, that sounds like the only plausible explanation. Because I really do struggle with depressed mood swings and having a good life. Maybe I've had such a good life that it literally depresses me.
It's almost like...
When I realize my parents still love each other after 27 years of marriage and have provided me with an amazing example of a relationship this is how my brain responds.
Or when I remember that I have some of the most awesome friends on the planet I feel a little like this:
When I recall that I attend the finest institution the Deep South has to offer (UGA of course) my brain is all like:
And when I get travel to beautiful places and see what the world has to offer my brain says:
Of course, all of this is a joke. This is bogus. Know why? Because depression can happen to anyone, no matter what kind of life they've had. Depression doesn't care about your religious affiliations, age, skin color, gender, socioeconomic background, etc. Depression attacks anyone. Depression just is.
I felt a little guilty after my friend said I've had a good life, because she was right. I've had an exceptional life. So, I shouldn't struggle with feeling a debilitating kind of sad, should I? Well the thing is ... "should" is a stupid word. As another one of my good friends, RJ, told me, the word “should” traps you and makes you feel like you have to live up to a certain standard. This is ridiculous!
You do not have to live up to someone else’s standard of you. I don’t either. The only standard you should be living up to is Jesus’. And he doesn’t say you have to be happy if you’ve had a good life. In fact, God, who is in control of everything by the way, may put you through these seasons of depression according to his own will perhaps to grow you in faith and character. Or perhaps to make you lean more on him.
The point is, if you’re struggling with some kind of sadness, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. Depression happens and it happens to the best of us. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. So, just buckle up and ride it out.
