It’s not cute. It’s not fun. It’s not something to be cooed over. Deployment: the inevitable word that all service members’ family dread.

Deployment isn’t all decorated care packages with frilly love notes and snacks. Those late night/early morning Skype sessions aren’t adorable and romantic. Homecoming outfits and pre-deployment photoshoots are what the world around us sees, barely scratch the surface.

For many spouses, deployment is learning to do things on your own again, and this is perhaps the easiest part. No longer do the little things your service member did for you exist in your home. No more help with the kids or surprise takes out from the place down the road. No one to take the trash out or spray down the wasp nest on the back porch. No more wrestling and small talk after dinner. All those little things that may not be necessary to live are gone, and sometimes that gets hard. For this reason, I struggle to erase the note my husband scrawled on the whiteboard months ago.

Deployment isn’t just ‘Daddy Dolls’ and stuffed animals that have voice recordings. It’s holding yourself together long enough to hold your crying children who miss their daddy (or mommy). It’s trying to explain to them that their parent is needed more dearly in another part of the world than he was at home.

Telling them that they are loved even though they are thousands of miles away and can’t see them right now. It’s putting the weight of an extended temporary absence on children too young to understand the ‘why’ behind it.

Deployment is knowing that there is a wedge in your relationship, and knowing that you agreed to have it put there.

No matter how much you are able to communicate, there will be a gap in the connection you are able to share. The struggles and the celebrations will be diminished to mere videos, pictures, and IMs. Trust and honesty must come first because, without it, your relationship will crumble. You have to understand that no matter how much your spouse shares about their work and deployment, that you will never truly be able to relate.

Deployment is a lot of things. You have to be able to double your daily work, learn how to parent and go to school or work on your own.

It can be lonely and miserable some days but empowering the next.

I am full of pride for my husband, and I hope he knows how much I love him and am proud of him. Deployment is ricocheting back and forth between large healthy meals and microwave dinners for one. Some days it is being so frustrated that you want to go to the gym (or to bed) and never come out. Other days, it’s being confident that you are definitely Super Mom (or Dad) and can do anything.

No matter how hard it is for me or my child, I know that it is much harder for my husband.

My job is to keep the house running, the kids breathing, my education and work up and going, and maybe get in a few workouts a week. He has the hard job, and knowing that helps me push through the hard days. We may be thousands of miles apart, but deployment is something we have to do together. It’s a team effort, from preparing to say goodbye to the beautiful and frustrating process of learning to live and love together upon his return.

So please, stop romanticizing deployment.

Don’t try to comfort me with phrases like: “Well at least you can experience your first kiss again when he gets back, that’s so sweet!” It’s hard, and there is no making it easier by pretending it’s sweet or fun. It sucks. The best thing you can do for your enlisted or dependent friend to recognize it sucks and move on. If you’d like to do more than that, coming over for coffee and a chat or bringing food is a great place to start. But whatever you do, please stop romanticizing deployment.