One time, a friend told me I was a lot more dependent on others than they thought I was. That has always stuck with me. I felt like it was a disappointing fact. That I had to be better. Stronger. More independent.
Being an only child of divorced parents, you learn to grow up quickly. I was at home washing dishes while my friends were playing outside. I was figuring out how to apply to college by myself. I was riding my bike to and from school. I was taking care of my mother before and after she was discharged from surgery. I thought I was independent.
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But 2016 showed me otherwise. This year was a shitty year. It’s the one thing this country can agree on. But the most important lesson 2016 taught me was how to be independent.
One of my resolutions for 2016 was to let go of temporary people and I did just that. I said goodbye to people who only wanted to be my friend when it was convenient for them. I fought with some friends for the first time that resulted in us not speaking. I let go of boys who didn’t want to get to know me and didn’t respect me. Some of my friends left and I still don’t know why to this day.
It was hard. I became very sad. I hesitate to use the word depressed because I was never diagnosed, but I can say I have never felt so heavy in my entire life. I wouldn’t get out of bed except to go to class, and even then I skipped a few lectures. I was either eating everything or nothing at all. I felt like I had no one.
I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that I had people encourage me to get back up on my feet. But I was the one who got myself there. I had to decide whether to lay down and cry or get up and start living again. But it came with a price.
If I didn’t trust people before, I sure as hell didn’t trust anyone now. I didn’t want to get too close to someone. I didn’t want to make new friends. I couldn’t risk someone coming into my life just for them to leave shortly after. I continued 2016 with my head down and dove deep into my work and my passions. It was beautiful. I started a blog and was always learning on how to get better. I had a strict schedule and plan of getting my work done. I was in the library everyday from as soon as I got out of class until I needed to get dinner. I found comfort in my solitude. I embraced it. I’m at my best doing something productive and accomplishing tasks. I feel most like myself then, and I didn’t need anyone else to do that. I would daydream about nights sitting at home with a good book, or get excited about taking a long bike ride by myself.
I have become so used to being by myself. Being independent. It’s still such a strange sensation when someone offers help to me. Even something as simple as helping bring in groceries. I can’t allow it. I need to show and prove that I can handle everyone by myself. That I won’t fall apart if someone leaves.
2016 made me see “dependent” as a dirty word. It means you’re weak. It means you rely on others. It means you can’t be without someone.
But being independent isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I thought I would feel different. Better, stronger, like I pictured. And I do feel those things. I’ve done things by myself this year that I would have never thought I would be able to do. I went to concerts by myself; ate dinner at a table for one; I didn’t even go on a date! But being independent is also lonesome. As scary as it is, I miss letting people in. I miss having company and being in close contact with someone who isn’t my mother.
So, one of my resolutions for 2017 is to find a healthy balance of both. To stop viewing dependency as something that’s bad. To become less afraid of making new friends, of dating, of being vulnerable with someone else. I don’t want to lose my independence though. I still want to get thrilled at doing work late at night, like I am now. I want to continue finding joy in sitting by myself in a cafe reading. I don’t want to have to chose between being one or the other in 2017.
Here’s to hoping that 2017 is a better year, and here’s to us being our better selves in 2017!
