Dear World,

I’ll start this off by saying that this was a little awkward to type out, because I’m not a huge fan of telling personal stories over the internet, to be quite honest. It’s a great source of catharsis for many people out there, so if you find yourself sitting in front of a camera or a computer, revealing personal, emotional bits about your life and uploading it, you do you. There is no shame in wanting to make your life public, and it can be especially helpful to read the genuine encouragement, support, and love that comes from total strangers who have been where you have or are going through a similar situation. So, believe me when I say that I’m not at all bashing people who choose to expose themselves emotionally online.

It has never worked out for me, for a multitude of reasons. The biggest reason is that on the whole, I’m not so great of a person. I’m still growing and learning how to be the best version of myself that I can be, and I feel as though I’m way behind everyone else my age on the maturity scale, so I learned the hard way that personal, emotional stories are probably not the best way to go for me.

This time is a little different.

You see, dear readers, I made a huge discovery about myself a few years back. I’m not here to tell you a play-by-play story of how exactly it came to be (see above paragraph), but I’m here to say that the discovery was made. I’m here to say that there are an estimated 70 million people in the world who identify under the same umbrella, and no, we did not all get this way because of some kind of sexual trauma.

I am under the asexual umbrella. I identify as demisexual. I exist. I am not piggybacking on a term that sounds edgy in a desperate attempt to sound unique. I did not have something horrible happen to me that lead me to somehow “decide” to be this way. To naturally be this was never a choice. Today, however, I am making the choice to shed a little light on demisexuality, for those who need to know they are not alone and for those who do not understand what exactly demisexuality is.

Let’s start with asexuality. To be an asexual is to be without sexual attraction. As are all things in life, though, it’s a little more complicated than that. People think that to be a “true” asexual, one must never want sex, never find anyone physically attractive, and never want a romantic relationship. That just simply isn’t true. To lack sexual attraction is simply that; to not be sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of gender. This does not discount the possibility of the desire to have sex, the capability to find someone’s appearance attractive, the capability of feeling romantic love, or the possibility of developing sexual attraction over incredibly limited circumstances, but not enough to feel right in simply identifying as “straight” or “gay” or “bisexual.” This is where demisexuality comes in.

Demisexuality is the sexual orientation in which a person is incapable of feeling sexual attraction unless a strong emotional bond is formed. You read that right; demisexuals are completely incapable of developing sexual feelings for someone unless they are strongly attached emotionally. This is not a choice. The action of engaging in sexual encounters, however, is typically a choice, though someone’s choice to have sex doesn’t make one any more or less asexual, because sexual orientations are based on attraction, not action.

Demisexuality should not be confused with celibacy, because like I said, my inability to feel sexual attraction without an emotional connection is not a choice. It isn’t some edgy term made up by straight people to weasel their way into the LGBTQA+ community. It’s an actual mental and physical response to the way I see people. No matter how physically attractive, or how smart, or how nice, a man is, I will have no sexual attraction to him unless I develop a deep emotional bond to him first. Yes, to him, not with him.

My demisexuality does not affect his own sexuality. My sexual attraction (or lack thereof) does not depend on him feeling the same way back. My sexual identity is not an act of simply “waiting until marriage”, and the fact that I choose to wait until marriage anyway is not evidence that I’m a fake demisexual, abusing a term that does not rightfully belong to me. This is how my brain works. This is how my body responds to the idea of sex. This is natural, and there are 70 million people under the asexual umbrella that really want you to know and understand that their lack of sexual attraction is natural too. We exist.

Signed,

A Demisexual.