As I sit with you tonight, and you fight the sleep, I can't but help feel sorrow for you. I don't know what it is like to live in a world where nothing makes sense. I don't know what it is like to wake up thinking one thing and everyone tells you the exact opposite. I don't know what it is like to know what you want to say, but the words that come out are something completely different. I honestly have absolutely no clue what you are feeling… but I have seen your life from the outside and I promise I will never leave your side when you are feeling lost, sad or confused… not because it is in my job description, but because I care about you and your feelings as a human being.

The words today were not coming out right, I sat by my mom's side as we waited for my grandmother to get her thoughts straight. I don't think they ever were straight after her fall; it was always like a curvy dirt road, it was never a Smooth ride and sometimes we crashed before reaching our destination. The crash usually happened when someone tried to take the wheel from her and overloaded her brain with words after words. I took a deep breath as I try to change the subject and ease her mind; I told her about my senior year so far, how I was taking a program the become a nursing aide, I told her what it was like and how I was scared to break the fragile old people. I remember her laughing at that part it echoed throughout her home, she said old people over and over and laughed as if it was the best punch line she had ever heard. This was one of the last good memories I have with her; after that Christmas is when everything changed, it happened all so fast.

So, as you lay in your bed fighting every wire in your head that is telling you it is time to sleep, I will sit with you patiently and wait with you. I don’t care if you scream or if you cry or if you fuss around in your bed turning from side to side. I will wait with you, I will talk with you, but I will not fight with you, I will not tell you anything different than what you are feeling. You are still human and will be till you leave this world, and till that day I will treat you as you deserve. I won’t tell you it’ll be okay, I won’t tell you this will all pass, I won’t tell you to just relax, I won’t act like you are ill in the head, I won’t act like you are just a child and I’m in control. Instead I will sit with you till it does pass, we will talk about the good memories you have had, or sing a happy song, we will talk about what you see or what you are feeling at this very moment, I will not tell you can’t get out of bed for the 20th time even though I know in 10 minutes you will be back in bed. I know every hurting soul with dementia was not always like this, I have seen the pain in their eyes when they look at their loved ones and realize they are ill. I have also had that pain seep into my core when a loved one looks at me like I was nothing but a stranger.

I will not remember you like this; I promise I will not think of these days as if they were you. I will never hold you accountable for not knowing who your granddaughter is; I will not think about the moments of silence as I waited for you to think of that word you have been trying to say for ten minutes. Instead, this is what I will always hold near to my heart; that small simple cross hanging around my mirror, you gave that to my father who gave it to me. You are the reason I believe everyone deserves a second chance at happiness and love. You showed me how to pray; I was just a little girl playing with dolls on your living room floor, you were sad and hurting from a family death, and together we sat on the carpet floor. You rubbed my hair with one hand and held me close with the other and you prayed. I remember looking up at you confused at what you were doing, you told me you were praying to nana. I knew nana had gone somewhere and everyone was sad because she wasn't coming back. I asked her what praying was, her loving smile looked down at me as she continued to play with my hair. "Praying is talking to a friend who we can't see but we can feel in our hearts, this friend is a very brave man you see, he will help us in our hard times". I remember turning fast and looking at her and asking if this man was like blue who was my imaginary cat. She laughed a lovingly and shook her head yes even though she knew it was not like that one bit. I leaned back onto her and I prayed that everyone would not be so sad anymore. Now when I drive around I can't help but to think of you; to this day I can still feel your love. Or I'll think of all the dresses and outfits you made for my American girl, I remember going through a phase of wanting to be like you and make my own outfits. It ended with small pieces of fabric sprinkled all over my bedroom floor, needles were thrown about making the floor an “enter at your own risk” zone. From praying to sewing, you taught me so much more than you'll ever know. Even after the words were gone, you were still leaving tiny imprints on my soul. As the end came to a near, I watched you suffer for weeks, your body shook, your words became non-existent. My heart became overly heavy all I wanted was your pain to be gone.

So when you are shaking from the fear, I won't leave till the demons are gone. When your words take longer to form, I'll wait patiently for you. When everyone turns their back on you from frustration, I will stay and hold your hand and try to ease your pain and confusion. You may be different than you once were but you are still human and your emotions are still real, so just know I will not leave your side till you are smiling and laughing. I know when you are mad it is for a reason, a reason no one may ever know but again the emotion is real, and I will stay as you cry and scream, and I will wait out the storm of anger with you. I may not say the right things all the time, you may feel I am not listening to you, you may think we are trying to hurt you, but we are in fact doing the exact opposite. You see the lady holding the gun hiding behind a rock, is a nurse holding medication at her med cart. The people surrounding your bed are not strangers, they are your children, and their children are not your children. We are not trying to take off your clothes to assault you; we are turning you from side to side, to change the pee-pad. Yet even though our intentions are nothing but good, and we tell you over and over we are helping, I know those wire connections are worn out and that it makes no sense. So once we are done doing what we need to do to make you safe, we will sit and let you be mad at us, we will let you scream, let you cry and eventually you will stop and that connection will spark on. You will smile and ask us why we look so sad, and we will quickly smile and put masks on to hide our pain to shield you from your own illness.

Your eyes are closed, your mind is silent, the window is cracked, and your husband, kids, and grandkids are all here. The pain is overwhelming but your suffering is finally gone; we all say our goodbyes. I tell you to look after us and that we will see you again one day. I thank you for teaching me so much about life, and teaching me how to fight through the pain life gives us. Teaching me how to love someone unconditionally, and teaching me how to pray. I thank you for becoming my guardian angel because I know you are just that. I will always love you and be thankful for the time we had together.

As you fight for just a few more hours on this earth, I pray silently for you as I look at you from a distance. I pray you will be in no pain, I pray all your family gets to say their goodbyes, I pray you become their angel. I pray for you and your family. I pray you know that all this pain at the end will never happen again. I pray you know all we wanted for you was to feel safe and at peace, I pray we gave you that and you can rest in peace with a clear mind. I pray we did our job for you and your family during your stay with us, I pray...