Feel like you could use a touch of schadenfreude in your day? Need someone more awkward than you to make you feel better for taking too long to put your change back in your wallet after ordering your morning coffee, thereby holding up a line of angry, un-caffeinated people, and now you feel irrationally awful and can’t look any of them in the eye? That’s just me, then? Well, count that as a bonus uncomfortable moment, ranked as number 10.
9. When my little sister punched my breast in Wal-mart.
*Ms. Spaghetti snickers quietly*
My mother was in the candle aisle; my little sister and I were in the toy aisle. I told my sister that she couldn’t open the Betty Spaghetti before buying it. She balled up her six-year-old fist and rammed it into my 12 year-old breast. My training bra was no match for her fury.
8. When my little sister punched my other breast in Wal-Mart.
The carnage.
Someone else’s mother pulled her off of me after that.
7. Watching the film version of "Rent" with my dad.
"I'm gonna use this candle to liquefy heroin later, like they do in The Wire."
I was 13, and he hadn’t had the sex or drug talk with me. He stared stone-faced at the screen and stood up as soon as the credits began rolling. He didn’t look me in the eye until the next day.
6. My dad trying to explain that one of his favorite authors was a lesbian.
Mary Renault liked yaoi before it was cool for white people to like yaoi. I'm joking -- it's never cool to like yaoi.
“Mary Renault, uh, lived with… a friend. She met her in nursing school, when they were young. She was a close friend. And they moved to South Africa together. Where they lived together. Together, for years. Well, decades. In a small community of expatriates in South Africa. Together, they lived there. Until Renault’s death.”
5. Seeing a friend’s porn.
“Milly,” he said, handing me his iPad, “look up that video of the baby giving the evil eye.”
Pro tip: Incognito windows are useless if you don’t close out of them.
4. Watching a video of the 1997 Broadway revival cast of Annie talk about periods.
From live footage of Mrs. Boyle's fourth grade classroom.
Fourth grade. The school nurse sailed into our classroom with the TV cart, and sent the boys to another classroom with the male gym teacher. “We’re going to talk about our bodies,” she said before hitting play.
When I saw that the grainy VHS featured the orphan girls from Annie, I hoped for a tension-breaking performance of a song or two. Instead, they introduced themselves and got right down to the super-absorbent core of it:
“My grandma said that you shouldn’t wash your hair when you’re on your period. That’s a myth!”
“That’s right! In fact, you should wash it more often.”
The school nurse paused the video here, to inject her own wisdom. “When you’re mens-tru-ating,” she said, “it’s important to stay clean and sanitary; you may want to wash twice a day.” Subtext: You’re disgusting now. Go to the Humiliation Hut for your Week of Shame.
The nurse hit play, and the Annie orphans started again:
“You can use a tampon and still be a virgin!” The school nurse wouldn’t define “virgin.”
“Yes, but you should use a pad when you’re just starting. But if you do use a tampon, remember that tampons can’t get lost inside of your vagina! Your cervix stops them.” The nurse wouldn’t define “cervix,” either.
Their scrunchies and showgirl smiles haunt me to this day.
3. When I asked a lady for water on a hot summer day, and she said no.
Let me take you back to summer 2012:
Nineteen-year-old Milly felt passionate about protecting our public lands (23 year old Milly feels the same way) and about earning enough money so she didn’t have to go back home for the summer. So for four hours Monday through Wednesday and seven hours on Saturdays and Sundays, I knocked on the doors of random people's houses and asked them to give me money and vote for Jon Tester.
One day, my assigned section was in the borderline-rural outskirts of Missoula, Montana. At one house, a magenta-haired women, with earlobes stretched by over-sized costume jewelry, answered the door. Her eyes glazed as I asked her to help protect our public lands. She said she was voting for Rehberg.
I thanked her for her time and asked if she would mind if I filled my water bottle, as I was almost out and the next house was about a mile away.
She slammed the door in my face.
2. Every time I open my mouth to talk to people.
When will I learn to stay in my cave?
1. Getting birthday wishes in the receiving line of my father’s funeral.
My father’s funeral was the day after my birthday. After the service, my mother, sister and I stood outside the door to thank everyone for coming. People gave me hug after hug, even when I extended my right hand for a handshake.
Three of these forceful huggers had a greater lack of situational awareness than the others: these three wished me a happy birthday.
