The holiday season is just around the corner and frankly, it could not come soon enough. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holiday festivities are always amazing, but I'll also be visiting Disneyland in a week. It's become something of a family tradition and we have completely mastered the art of Fast Passes, early arrival, and darting through the crowded and sweaty foot traffic.
With this expert knowledge, I have created a definitive ranking of rides in Disneyland with my extremely subjective and non-scientific method.
Here are the best (and worst) parts of The Happiest Place On Earth:
Disneyland's Ten Best Rides
1. Haunted Mansion
The Mansion perfectly blends storytelling with genuine thrill and tongue-in-cheek humor without being overly campy or scary. It's classic and spooky and just morbid enough. Also, this ride holds a special place in my heart because of this flawless VHS video that both frightened and fascinated me as a small child. A caveat: if we're talking about the holiday version that's based on "The Nightmare Before Christmas" this ride goes down several spots on this list.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean
This is obviously a classic—it even inspired
a film franchise, not the other way around as is commonly believed. The
bride auction scene remains problematic and disturbing and I'm honestly mystified that it's still part of the ride. But, on the whole, it's fun, campy, and exciting. Just don't be one of those people who talks back to the animatronics. Please.
3. Indiana Jones Adventure
Thank God Short Round and Shia Labeouf are not featured in this ride. Indy himself is thankfully the only character that you see (besides Sallah, who does the safety video in the queue.) As you wait in line, experiment with the interactive parts of the queue. And don't buy one of those $40 Indiana Jones hats. You can get like 2 pineapple spears and a souvenir cup for that amount at the snack stand.
4. Space Mountain
It might be called Hyperspace Mountain now because of Star Wars but whatever, it's Space Mountain to me. Truly exhilarating and probably the closest thing to a real rollercoaster in the park. But this is a ride you need to get to first thing in the morning, because those lines are extremely slow, long and absolutely brutal. PSA: you may get static shocks from walking down the queue. I don't understand it, and I don't like it. Maybe this only happens to me? Maybe I attract a lot of stray electricity? Let me know if you have any experience with this mysterious phenomenon.
5. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
I have a new appreciation for all of Frontierland now because it is presumably as close as I'll ever get to visiting
Westworld. Thunder Mountain is kind of a jolting ride but it's really fun and I always forget what the ride actually entails so it's always a surprise when I return. And again, I'm really partial to that Wild West theme. I'm just glad there are no sentient robots roaming Disneyland. That we know of.
6. Star Tours
I'm a sucker for detail and this ride really has a lot of them. Much of the detail work is in the queue, which is great because the line for this ride can really drag on. Look for in-jokes and interactions that will excite the most rabid fans: if you're lucky, you might spot the outline of a creature that looks suspiciously like Jar Jar Binks being carried out on a stretcher.
7. Matterhorn Bobsleds
Another classic. The reason this ride is not higher on the list is because it can be uncomfortably jolty and jerky and because I'm also genuinely terrified of the Abominable Snowman that pops up (even scarier now after a recent ride update.) If it's your first time riding, get some nice unsuspecting person to sit up front so you can hide behind them.
8. Splash Mountain
Ever seen the movie this ride was based on? Probably not, because the movie it's based on was deemed so racist that it was never released for home video. So the ride essentially feels like a fever dream but with even less context. You get the thrilling drop, but you also have to sit through a kind of creepy storyline with weird racial undertones and alarmingly large animals singing and dancing on a steamer ship. Still, fun!
9. It's A Small World
Ugh, this is not one of my favorite rides but I can't not include it. Once you get past the long lines,
loud and tiny children and the inescapable chlorine smell, this ride is somewhat enjoyable. It is a classic and everyone should go on it at least once. Get ready to get the song stuck in your head for hours and make a game out of finding the country with the puppets that are most stereotypically portrayed. It won't take long.
The best ride for people who love terrible puns and the feeling of being somewhere other than Disneyland. This ride is at the bottom of the list because a bird in the "jungle" pooped on the sleeve of my brand-new jacket when I was 12 and I have resented it ever since. So.
Honorable Mention: Enchanted Tiki Room. The birds in this attraction are fake and therefore will not excrete on your clothing, new or otherwise. Also, very close to a Dole Whip stand.
Disneyland's Ten Worst Rides
1. Snow White's Scary Adventures
This ride is TRAUMATIC. I swear this ride is scarier every time I try it. Perhaps the only thing more frightening than the Hag/Evil Queen jump scare is the terrifyingly vacant stare of Snow White herself. What thoughts go on behind those glazed brown eyes? It is legitimately scary and I will never ever, ever enjoy this ride. There is literally no upside to doing this ride unless you're trying traumatize a small child (or an adult, in my case.)
2. Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage
I think part of the reason I
dislike this ride so much is because I went in with high expectations but the line is sooo long, the ride is soooo boring, and it's basically just scenes from the movie replayed underwater. A good rule of thumb to tell if a ride is going to be boring: it has a suspiciously exciting, descriptive name. See: the Finding Nemo Submarine "Voyage," Pinocchio's "Daring Journey," the "Many Adventures" of Winnie the Pooh...nice try.
3. Mad Tea Party
The quickest way to motion sickness. I think small children get a kick out of it but at this point in my life I just will not cram my 5'11" self into a tiny pastel teacup and my inner-ear balance is simply not good enough to handle this ride.
4. Peter Pan's Flight
The only good part of this ride is at the beginning, where you're flying over the dark and starry London skyline and then the rest of it is a technicolor blur. Notable: the same regrettable Native American stereotypes from the movie, Tinkerbell's consistently salty attitude towards Wendy, and that's about it.
5. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
Unpopular opinion here, but I do not like this ride. I know it's considered somewhat of a classic but it is scary! And the ride literally ends with you in hell because you drove recklessly and broke your probation or something! I do not go to Disneyland to feel morally judged and damned to eternal hellfire. I go to have fun and spend excessive amounts of money on fleeting pleasures. (Another thing Disneyland has in common with Westworld!)
6. Pinocchio's Daring Journey
This ride is like my own personal hell. Puppets. Dubious moralizing. Day-glo animatronics. The movie is already weak and this ride is yet another weird moral lesson—overindulgent little boys get turned into donkeys and suffer for the rest of their life. Or something. And the whale really freaks me out. This is a totally missable ride and it's another one that will probably scare any children with you.
7. Roger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin
I would just avoid steering clear of Toontown if you can and this ride is no exception to this rule. The movie it's based on is surprisingly adult and that doesn't really translate well to this ride. The line is also way too long for a ride that's so forgettable that I am kind of already done talking about it.
8. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Heffalumps! No! (Side note: does anyone else think Heffalump sounds like a very creative insult that Azealia Banks would probably use?) Also, this ride breaks down far too often. Again, probably traumatic for children. I was legitimately scared by this ride the last time I went on it and refuse to give it another chance. The cute parts are too few and far between to make up for the scary Heffalump scene. And no, I'm not over it. Funny you should ask.
9. Storybook Land Canal Boats
Snooze. So boring. I always think this ride is going to be more interesting than it is but—surprise! It's not!
If you want a cool boat-y experience take the Mark Twain riverboat or row one of the Davy Crockett canoes. Both are infinitely more entertaining than this, which is better suited for very small children with parents who need a rest.
10. Autopia
Ugh, again, so boring. I'm aware this is somewhat of a favorite for some people but there's not really much scenery, not much to do in your tiny car, and it's pretty
limited entertainment. Especially when you compare it to the spectacular Cars Land in California Adventure Park.
Special mention:
I would like to take this time to pour one out for the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror ride in California Adventure, which
is being replaced by a Guardians of the Galaxy attraction in January. As lovable as Chris Pratt is he will never console me for the absence of CGI Rod Serling and the incredible detail in the haunted Hollywood Tower Hotel. RIP, Tower of Terror. Maybe we'll see each other again...in the Twilight Zone.
Until then, I'll be in Disneyland. Look for me: I'll be double-fisting Dole Whip and standing in line at the Haunted Mansion.
Thank God Short Round and Shia Labeouf are not featured in this ride. Indy himself is thankfully the only character that you see (besides Sallah, who does the safety video in the queue.) As you wait in line, experiment with the interactive parts of the queue. And don't buy one of those $40 Indiana Jones hats. You can get like 2 pineapple spears and a souvenir cup for that amount at the snack stand.
It might be called Hyperspace Mountain now because of Star Wars but whatever, it's Space Mountain to me. Truly exhilarating and probably the closest thing to a real rollercoaster in the park. But this is a ride you need to get to first thing in the morning, because those lines are extremely slow, long and absolutely brutal. PSA: you may get static shocks from walking down the queue. I don't understand it, and I don't like it. Maybe this only happens to me? Maybe I attract a lot of stray electricity? Let me know if you have any experience with this mysterious phenomenon.
Another classic. The reason this ride is not higher on the list is because it can be uncomfortably jolty and jerky and because I'm also genuinely terrified of the Abominable Snowman that pops up (even scarier now after a recent ride update.) If it's your first time riding, get some nice unsuspecting person to sit up front so you can hide behind them.
Ever seen the movie this ride was based on? Probably not, because the movie it's based on was deemed so racist that it was never released for home video. So the ride essentially feels like a fever dream but with even less context. You get the thrilling drop, but you also have to sit through a kind of creepy storyline with weird racial undertones and alarmingly large animals singing and dancing on a steamer ship. Still, fun!
