For as long as I can remember, I have been terrified by numbers.
When I was little, I used to be terrified of getting older. I wished I could stay 9-years-old forever (and ten years later I can definitely understand why). I haven't stepped on a scale outside of the doctor's office in years. Any grade in class lower than a 90% gives me anxiety. For as long as I can remember, I have been terrified by numbers, and how they define who I am as a person.
Today, we often allow ourselves to become our identity. While you may think that yourself and your identity are one and the same, there is a difference between being your authentic self and letting all the characteristics and identifications come after – and becoming the things that define you. Very often do we define ourselves by numbers, but is that a fault of society, or rather just an affect of organization?
Before we are even aware of it happening, we are assigned and defined by numbers, from our "number" in the classroom to help with organization of the students (I can still remember always being somewhere between 8 and 11), to state issued id's, even the apartments and dorm rooms we inhabit. Can we help but be known by numbers?
I don't know if this is necessarily anyone's fault, but the side effects of this practice are evident and not always positive. As a result, we become consumed by numbers: the "right" number on the scale, number of followers and likes, the number on our paychecks.
It's a maddening affect because it becomes a matter of comparison. We compare ourselves to the next person in order to deem ourselves worthy of love and acceptance, and it's a hard habit to break. The reality of it is that these comparisons are never fair. The person you wish you could be is probably wishing the same thing about someone else.
The girl who's weight you wish you were at, may be there because of genetics or otherwise, and will probably wish she was at a different one. The guy who's height you wish you were at might wish he weren't quite so tall. There are many reasons as to why we are characterized, and it's not always anyone's fault or reasoning, it just is.
When it comes down to it, these comparisons by numbers are arbitrary. Someone's under-weight could be someone else's healthy weight. Someone's GPA is probably the best of their ability, versus someone who doesn't try. Someone's followers on social media may indicate a passive following, but doesn't generate any real value of human interaction.
Using values to generate self worth just isn't, well, worth it. The only thing that should matter is what you are worth to you. While there is nothing wrong with trying to achieve a certain GPA, a certain weight, a certain salary, it shouldn't come at a cost. Using numbers to define us should be beneficial in self love and discovery. If we use these characteristics on ourselves, okay; it is when we compare our "values" to others when the practice becomes detrimental.
In a recent Vlogbrother's video, Hank Green made a video on a similar topic. In the description for the video, he remarks that things like followers, etc. are "such seductive surrogates for meaning". We all have our moments when we fall for these "surrogates of meaning", and it often creates a lot of negativity, when in reality we are all really looking for the same thing: meaning.
Whether it's meaning through self love or social awareness, etc., all we really want is to be loved and accepted. Regardless of our definitions, whether self imposed or otherwise, I think this is a good thing to keep in mind. We are not our values, they are just the result of us, and I refuse to be afraid of them anymore. It's a way to leave our marks on the world, and show just a little bit of who we are in this moment in time. That, I think, is the true beauty in our definition by numbers.
