I’m tired of sitting here and keeping my mouth shut. Why is it that all of a sudden you went from begging to be in my life to simply watching me lose my mind. I guess the answer is simple. Honestly, you just don’t care the way I do. I mean that’s fine and all, but where does that leave me? I mean it’s bad enough I’m a college student already stressing over my life and, most importantly, my future.

You have me thinking I’ve been wrong this whole time. Yes, I know that I’ve been wasting all my time and energy stressing over these f**boyz (I know language Kaileigh), but it's true! It’s an addiction.

For some reason, girls feel that they can change a guy and they will keep pushing for the expectation of becoming successful in the process. But as someone who has tried consistently, it doesn't work, and don't tell me you haven't tried to change someone because everyone does it. Especially girls, it's in our nature. How wicked right? Trust me, I’m an addict myself.

But back to the now...

Two years later and here we are. Maybe it’s just my mind liking the idea of you or the fact that I’m in an emotional rut and you’re the most comforting thing right now, but I’m lost. I never realized till I started to crush on you that I realized you are just as on and off as half the guys who go here. It’s funny honestly, the fact that you were blind to the idea that someone was so emotionally dysfunctional before until your feelings towards them do a complete 180.

I never cared this much before and I mean s***, you were the one who was begging ME to have something beyond a friendship. Maybe it’s me, maybe I missed my chance at something, or someone amazing, and my chance has left. Or maybe it’s you letting the crazy college times get the best of you, allowing me to disappear with what you've decided to leave behind. I took advantage of having you in my life, I won't lie. But don't we all at some point or another?

The thing is, I don’t know if I ever quite knew you up until this point. You never really know someone until you get to the other side of a once blank page. Right now I feel like I’m at the very bottom of the last chapter and still trying to decode you. I want to know who you are. What's your red?

My problem isn’t that I love. It’s not that I’m a loving and sensitive person (also very emotional) and I want to share it. That I want to show it. No. it’s the fact that I give and give so much of that to others that I’m forgetting about myself. I’m not giving myself the time to learn to love myself and that’s probably why life has delayed me in love the way it has. Yes, I won’t deny the feeling sucks, but in all honesty, it’s needed. How can someone learn to love you if you cannot learn to truly love yourself?

It’s an obsession, quite unhealthy I know, but as much as I gag and roll my eyes at the idea of love…it’s where my heart is. Not even for someone, just the love of love itself. That something can be so pure and intangible. That a person can be worth so much of one’s self. It’s beautiful, and I crave it like butterfly to nectar. And I want it.

“You fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.”