Have you ever lost someone you loved? And I’m not talking about your dog dying or losing a friendship in some fight. I’m asking, have you ever lost someone you truly and deeply loved?
I have.
It’s been about six months since we lost you. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. It haunts me when I’m awake and follows into my darkest nightmares. I haven’t been able to make peace with it, or sense of it. For the first few months I was trapped inside my own mind. My head was a like one of those old movie clips, just replaying over and over that terrible day you left this world. The guilt follows me everywhere I go. I still cant think about you with out crying. I can’t listen to the old voicemails on my phone without feeling like someone is holding my head under water slowing sucking the last drops of air out of my lungs .Losing you the way we did, has taken a toll on my soul.
Watching a loved one leave this world, is a feeling I will never be able to truly describe. It doesn’t matter how loud you scream or how hard you cry, nothing will stop the monster. When the hour glass runs out, I’ve learned you cant flip it over again.
All we have in this cruel world , is time.
How lucky I was, to have you as my grandmother. Since the day I was born you gave me everything that I needed. You spoiled me rotten. Both with the material things, but also with your unconditional love, not everyone gets that kind of love. Maybe there is no point for me trying to explain to these readers the love you had for me, because I could never truly put it into words.
I remember when I was about seven, I made it a point to call you every day and from that day on I did, we talked every day. Miles between us didn’t define our relationship, you always told me that. Over the years our special bond did nothing but grow.
I miss your obsession with goodies. I miss being able to pick up the phone at anytime and just vent to you about biology or how my Spanish class was kicking my butt. You always understood me, in a way other people don’t. I miss baking with you. I miss those long summers we spent on your porch eating your famous chocolate cupcakes .I miss staying up till all hours watching, “Say Yes to The Dress” and talking about what mine would look like when we picked it out one day.
I miss you.
I’ve been angry the past several months, angry you wouldn’t get the medical help you needed. But I want you to know that I forgive you and that I wish I would have helped you fight harder.
If only I could sit down with you and tell you everything you have missed these past six months. I can see you now, smiling and laughing at my stories. How proud you would be of all your grandkids.
We found out you were sick and not even seven hours later you were gone. It was sudden and I wish I had spent my last day with you differently. I wish I had hugged you and told you how much I loved you. Holding your hand as you took your last breath is stained into my mind forever. There was nothing I could do to stop it, I felt so helpless. It’s the hardest thing I have faced in this life. It felt like someone was physically squeezing my heart, stopping the blood flow throughout my body, because I was completely numb. Even though you weren’t awake, I know you knew I was there. I know that because I bent down and whispered, “I love you” in your ear and for a few seconds, your heart rate monitor went crazy.
As I go threw the rest of my life I only wish I will become more like you. Even though you are gone, you will always live in my heart. Your blood runs through me, you are a part of me. I will live on your legacy threw everything that I do. You are my favorite person, my biggest love and my dearest friend. Mimi, I will never go a day without thinking of you. And I promise my wedding dress will be nothing but spectacular.
Your favorite and only granddaughter,
Alex
