“I think, I think when it’s all over it just comes back in flashes, you know. It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories, which just all comes back, but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him, that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And the crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew, as the world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I thought ‘how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?’ Maybe he knew that when he saw me? I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him; it was losing me... I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.” Taylor Swift

Dear My Almost, Dear Ex-Something,

Thank you. You were the first, and I thought you would be the last. You were the first boy that I thought I loved. You were the first boy I told everything too, the weird stuff and emotional stuff. You were the first boy that showed me into his world, and how he wanted me in it. You were the first boy that I wanted to listen and hear the silly stories about what happened at work, and how excited you were to tell me about it. The stories about your mom and little sister, and how you wanted me to meet them, I’ll never forget that. You were the first boy that made plans with me, plans for the future.

And the worst part is, is that I believed in them and you. You were the first boy I wanted to tell my parents about, but never got the chance too. But in the end, you were the first boy that broke my heart. The first boy that made me cry myself to sleep at night. The first boy that I screamed Taylor Swift breakup songs to in the car. The first boy that I thought that I would never get over.

I was doing OK in life before I met you. I never expected anyone to enter my life and leave a mark like you did. I still remember and play through my head all of those things that were special to us. Our inside sayings, those late night summer conversations, our song, and the first place where “we happened.” Every time I hear someone say something that we use to say, I close my ears. Scrolling through old pictures, I have to delete our message screenshots and pictures because they bring back to much pain for who I thought you were. Every time our song comes on the radio, I have to turn it off. Every time I pass that place, the once happiness that we had together, comes to mind.

I want you to know a few things. I wanted us to work, I tried my best for us to work, but you did not want to put in the effort. I could only carry the both of us for so long till it broke me. I didn’t listen to people when they warned me about you. I wanted us to come out on top, to tell them all that they were wrong. I wanted us to make it. I keep waiting for this false hope to come true.

I should have noticed that you would only talk to me when it was convenient for you. I think I did notice, but I pretended that I was okay with it. But I shouldn’t have, because I deserve a person that wants me just as much as I want them. I made excuses for the times that you couldn’t see me, call me back, text me back. I ignored the stories about you and other girls. I kept making excuses for the person that people keep telling me that you were, even though I knew they were right. I defended you in front of my friends. I shouldn’t have been OK with any of it.

I could sit here and lie, telling you that I am over you, but I’m not. People tell me that I should be, that I should be moving on. Don’t get me wrong, I want to move on, but it’s going to take longer than I thought it would. I have done everything people have told me to do, burn that t-shirt (that was actually your ex-girlfriend’s and you still had it, should have listened to that red flag), and delete our messages. There was a friendship, not just a relationship, which is why it is so hard to say goodbye. I do hope that with more time, I will be okay to say goodbye.

I didn’t know that life would give you someone so close to perfect, and then rip them away from you. Although it wasn’t a relationship, you were my almost, my almost everything.