When a relationship becomes more intimate, girls feel empowered to pop the question to their boyfriends, “Why do you wear cargo shorts; I prefer the more natural look of simplified, slim-fitting shorts.”

Let's talk. Every guy has been criticized with the common phrase, “Girls don’t like guys who wear cargo shorts.” There is no light way to put this. Women, we do not wear cargo shorts to please you. When we go shopping and pick our outfits out in the morning, you are among the last thoughts on our minds. We understand you like the natural look of slim khaki shorts, but we instead wear cargo shorts, which perplexes you.

We want to look fierce, clumsy and awkward for ourselves, not you. We may not wear cargo shorts to please you, but we do wear them so we can have easy access to our Game Boy Advances and Velcro wallets with printed flames.

Has it ever occurred to you that we wear cargo shorts because we like how bulky our calves look in them? We do not want to show any thigh or even a knee, but our thighs look like the stumpy, hairy legs of a woolly mammoth and you cannot take that away from us. You will be delighted to know that we will occasionally stray from the cargo shorts, but only to substitute them with the busier plaid design. We wear plaid shorts when we want a lighter option of summer-wear and when we do not require 24,000 square feet of practical pocket space.

Let's keep this conversation. Women, we do not wear socks with sandals for you. Have you ever worn socks in your own house and stepped on a splat of water on the kitchen floor? We have all been there; nothing can emulate the overwhelming joy we all get when we have to deal with a wet sock. This is exactly why we wear socks with sandals; not for you. Our indecisiveness really opens an abundance of doors that lead us to uncomfortable moisture levels, varying temperature levels and disapproving looks. It's divine, but not for you.

Our sideburns may exceed the bottom of our earlobes and we may have neck beards, but that is not because we are "dressing up" for you. Believe it or not, many of us do not like our neck beards; we would prefer to have that cleaner and more "natural" look that you so desire, but we have insecurities that the world has caused us to cover up with our uneven, underdeveloped facial hair.

Women, we put a lot of work into our appearance, but you always seem to want more. We are not seeking your approval, but please respect our decisions to dress how we want so our confidence will escalate. Stop telling us that we're as handsome as we are because you are not one to tell us how we feel and what to do with ourselves.

Wait--on second thought, we'll stop. Sorry.