Dear drivers of the U.S.

We have been to the Moon, created great machines to makes human life easier, we have cured diseases, and our potential is boundless. So why are we all so bad at driving? I have been in many states and I have noticed that a lot of you need to return to driver’s ed or have your license revoked. Here are 10 things that caught my attention as I go throughout my day.

The speed limit

Drive it. Or at the very least, if you’re slow GET OUT OF THE FAST LANE. Shout out to Georgia for having a minimum speed limit on their highways.

Going 5 over

If I’m going 5 over, GET OFF MY ASS. Where’s this fire that you’re apparently trying to get to?

Street lights: green, yellow, and red

RED MEANS STOP! Not the next 5 people can go ahead and turn left while I sit there watching my green arrow turn yellow then red because you decided to turn. Looking at you Colorado.

Stop signs

On the topic of stopping at red lights, stop signs mean stop too! Who would have thunk it? And at a four way stop you always go in the order that you stopped! *Cough Cough* Louisiana.

Turn Signals

Tell the rest of the world the direction you are going. Turn signals are a thing people, use them! That’s Virginia for you.

Street Lanes

The lines on the road are supposed to show you where you need to go and designate certain parts of the road for turning and yielding. Apparently, most of you think they are suggestions. And when I’m in a lane that is ending LET ME OVER! My lane is literally disappearing, what about that means “speed up and get in the way” to you?

Street Lines

Dotted lines mean yes, you may cross over into the next lane. But for the love of God USE YOUR SIGNAL. Solid lines mean NO YOU MAY NOT EVEN WITH A SIGNAL (which you probably aren’t using anyway).

Parking Lots

Those white (sometimes other colors depending on where you are) lines indicate the spot that your car is to fit into. For the love of god people if you get out of your car and you are diagonal in your spot, straddling the line of two spots, or doing anything that has your car anywhere other in between the two lines, GET BACK IN YOUR CAR AND FIX YOUR SLOPPY PARKING JOB!

Cell Phones

ARE NOT MEANT TO BE USED WHEN DRIVING. Good god if some of you could see yourselves as you text and drive I don’t think you’d ever do it again. Going 20 in a 45, weaving in and out of your lane, and other such atrocious driving. I’m sure Becky and her oh so important pair of new shoes can wait until you reach your destination.

Bumper Distance

Some of you have very funny license plates. I would love to see them in my rearview mirror when I’m stopped at a light. No need to be 3 millimeters away from my ass.