"Is that what they're talking about?"

That is the phrase, uttered in the back of my mind, that made me realize just how hopeless things are. I woke up on Friday to several people on my facebook feed horrified over "this morning's news". Bracing myself, I googled "news", and scrolled through. After finding no "ISIS strikes again" or the word "bombing", I scrolled back to the top, to the article about the Dallas shooting. "12 Officers Shot at Dallas Protest Against Police Shootings". That was the headline. And my next thought was "Is that what they're talking about?"

It makes me feel physically sick to realize that five people are dead, and nine others injured, and it didn't seem bad enough for me to immediately understand what a tragedy that is. I am not hopeless because bad things happen in this world. I am hopeless because of my reaction to them.

I'm one of the most sensitive people you'll ever meet. I do my best not to avoid the news, but I rarely watch anything violent because it upsets me too much. But somehow, even I am becoming desensitized. Some people might call this toughening up, but I do not want to toughen up. Every single time people die, I want my heart to break into a million pieces. But it doesn't anymore. Now I sit and wonder if five lives are enough to make people upset, if I should be upset too.

Lately I just don't know what to do. It feels like every single day I wake up, and something terrible has happened. And it's starting to feel like there's no coming back from this. I have a sense of a great unraveling, like all the progress we've made in this country and in the world is being undone. Maybe there never was much progress, maybe now, in the world of social media, things are just more visible than they used to be. But there's a feeling in my gut that says it's more than that. Perhaps hate and prejudice has always been there, but when did it start winning?

Violence and hatred have gained terrifying power. It's getting harder and harder to believe that any amount of good could ever overcome our problems. Even the idea of good is so opinionated and volatile, I'm not sure what to think anymore. What is right? What is loving? What is realistic? What will actually solve anything?

St. Jude, you are the patron saint of hopeless causes, of those in despair, and I think we need you right now. Break our hearts, break them into a million pieces. Help us understand each other. love each other, listen to each other, and realize that we're all intricately and inextricably connected. Replace our despair with hope.