Dear Snow,

We used to have such fun together. I have so many memories. You were so close with my family. Remember when we used to play in my backyard? You were there for every snowball fight, every snow angel, every sled ride. We took the best pictures together.

And when you came around, I got to sit inside and drink hot chocolate, all bundled up in blankets by my fireplace. Those are some of the happiest memories I have from my childhood. But I’m not a child anymore. If it weren’t for those memories, I’d probably hate you. I don’t hate you, Snow. I just want you to stay the hell away from me.

You’re cold, Snow. Cold doesn’t bother me. I can throw on a scarf and a big puffy jacket and be totally warm. You’re not just cold, though. You’re wet. All of my clothes get soaked, and I have to peel them off of me like an extra layer of skin.

And if I happen to have enough clothes to keep me warm and dry, I get all sweaty and miserable. If even an inch of my body is vulnerable, you will sting it with your icy touch. You invite yourself in and make a f*****g mess. You’re basically cold sand, and there’s way more fun stuff to do in sand. Not everyone likes skiing.

And why do you always have to bring your friend Wind? He’s such an a*****e. Literally no one likes him. All he does is break stuff like he’s throwing a damn temper tantrum. I can’t count how many times he’s smacked me in the face, and you still have the nerve to bring him around?

I get enough of him in every other season, but the two of you together are the absolute worst. He could at least tone it down a little bit. A gentle breeze, ya know? Don’t even get me started on Ice. There has never been a time when I was like “Man, I sure wish Ice was here. I’ve really been craving to bust my a** in my driveway.”

You’re never here for me when I need you, on days when I don’t feel like going into work or school. It’s never enough. I still have to go, and you just make it worse. People die because of you, Snow.

You literally kill people or at least wreck their cars. I spend my whole drive worrying that you’re going to spin me around or drag me into a ditch. Sure, you’re beautiful, but that doesn’t mean you have to shove it in my face. You’re just so self-centered. You have to block my whole damn view. I have to see other cars, Snow. Not everything is about you.

You look like s**t after a couple days. I can’t even take pics with you anymore. You literally just sit around and get yourself covered in mud and dog pee until I come clean you up. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of shoveling you’re a** around. Go melt somewhere else, and quit turning my yard into a swamp.

On the days that I don’t have any prior commitments and we can actually spend time together, you usually still disappoint me. How am I supposed to make a man out of you when you’re so flaky? Too hot, you get weak. Too cold, you’re unstable. And even if we did make the perfect igloo, you’d never stick around long enough to really enjoy it. Why? Is it me? Am I intolerable? Is that why you always leave?

You’re not even fun anymore, Snow. I don’t need you, so stay out of my way, and stop ruining my wonderful Fall weather.

Sincerely,

Your ex-friend

P.S. I actually do hate you.