Christmas time is the happiest time of year... except for me. I have always been the Scrooge of my family, dreading the holiday season as Halloween came to a close. I can never fully pinpoint how my Grinchy way came to be; maybe it was the strained family reunions around the holidays, filled with drunk uncles, fist-flailing fathers, and falling holiday bushes.

On the other hand, it could be the cold that always reappears around the holiday season (achoo). Even though I don't believe in Christmas and the holiday spirit makes me nauseous, I still need to partake in the gift-giving tradition, right? For every Grinch out there, here is the perfect wish list to write to Santa (people, take notes).

1. Liquor

To drown my holiday sorrows away...

2. A Holiday Bush

3. The Will to Live

We all need this under our tree this year...

4. Passing Grades on all my finals

And this too...

5. Some Dignity

I lost this a long time ago...

6. Pedialyte and Emergen-C

To rebound from all those nights drinking downt-... I mean "recovering from a cold."

7. A Gift Card to Blockbuster

8. A 1,000 pack of Condoms

A helmet for your soldier, guys.

9. A bigger booty (and titties, too)

10. A lifetime supply of PBR

Because what Richmond native wouldn't love this?

11. Some Christmas Spirit....

Maybe just a fuzz....