Dear Onika Maraj,
I can hardly bear to listen to you singing, rapping and pouring your heart out on records like "Pills and Potions;" "All Things Go;" "The Crying Game;" "I Lied;" "Bed of Lies;" and "Grand Piano." And yet I still listen: You are suppose to be a gimmick Nicki Minaj. You can’t rap and sing on the same CD, the public won’t get it they got ADD. You are not suppose to put out records with meaning, that are emotional and heartfelt. You are suppose to be an outlandish cartoon character that the music industry has created to make money off of, not a human being, with feelings.
Some days, I just want to blast "Beez in the Trap" or "Anaconda" and twerk my imaginary ass alone in peace. Some days, I just want to dance, rap and sing all of your raunchiest songs and features until all my troubles go away. How dare you force me to address my fears and problems head on. How dare you write songs motivating me to be better than who I was yesterday, I was doing just fine in my land of make believe so thank you, Nicki. To the rest of the world, you are Nicki Minaj, the rapper-turned-pop star, the sellout, the gimmick. But to your real fans, we see Onika Maraj, the feminist, fashion icon, rap legend, mentor... the woman always breaking barriers. The woman who is never afraid to think outside the box and try new things. To your real fans, you’re Onika Maraj, the woman always motivating her fans to never settle, to face their fears, to live life the fullest, regardless of what people have to say.
I feel like I have grown up listening to your music, I feel like I have watched you grow. And I feel like in some ways, Onika, you have helped me grow. Every time I play one of your records, I realize that our worlds aren’t so different. Some people may describe us as eccentric, aggressive and bitchy. We simply just call it being passionate, caring, our bitchiness is a part of being a woman. This new album, "The Pinkprint," marks another part of our journey. While "Pink Friday" and "Roman Reloaded" were both solid albums, this new album brings a different feeling. "The Pinkprint" gives me a feeling of relief.
It’s you rapping, “People will love you and support you when it's beneficial, I'mma forgive, I won't forget, but I'mma dead the issue.”
“It is what it is,” I always tell myself every time I listen to that song. Life is too short to hold onto grudges, and I think it’s time for me to let go of all of those grudges. When someone shows you who they are, the best thing to do is to believe them, move on but never forget just as you stated. I use to always wonder and ask myself, "What do I have, what do I posses that people want?" I always use to wonder how could loving me and supporting me be beneficial to anyone? But it wasn’t until I started talking to my sperm donor for the first time, right around the time you released the record, when I got my answer. It doesn’t matter how old you are, anyone can be used.
Half of my DNA comes from this man, the unexplained behaviors that I use to wonder about come from this man. No matter how hard I try, ignoring his existence would be impossible. I hate using the word "hate," because it is a strong word and does hurt some people. I think I am incapable of hating Nic, and that’s what you and I seem to have in common. We both have huge hearts and once we start loving someone it’s hard to turn that feeling off. Although he has never been there for me for all of these years, knows nothing about me, lies, curses at me and makes me cry... he is family. You taught me that it is possible to love someone, but love someone from a distance.
I don’t wanna cry anymore. I want to let go, and need to let go. I need to reinvent. So sometimes during the middle of day, and late into the night, I play your CD, crying and letting go until I run out of tears, leading me into a deep sleep. I remember one night I had a dream that you and I were in Saint James, Trinidad walking through the streets of Tobago. We were laughing, talking, gossiping as if we have been friends for years. I remember when you told me that Q wasn’t the one for me, and you knew it from the first time he made cry.
I remember when you told me that anyone who tries to force you to give up on your dreams is not the one. You agreed with me, when I told you love is about sacrifice and compromise. But however, my education shouldn’t be listed as something I should even be thinking about, compromising and sacrificing. Something else the world doesn’t know about you: you always stressed the importance of getting an education to your fans.
It never ceases to amaze me how two strangers become friends, friends become lovers and then strangers again. It never ceases to amaze me how the people we know can sometimes turn into people we knew. "Pills and Potions," "The Crying Game," "I Lied," and "Grand Piano" remind me constantly of these heartbreaking facts. But I don’t think I will ever be able to forget his face, I couldn’t even if I tried, Nic.
I would never be able to forget his smooth, dark and chocolate complexion. I would never be able to forget the way my heart felt the moment he said, “Hey”. If my memory serves me correctly, it was June 10th, 2010... 4 years ago… at our friend Sherice’s end of the year celebration party. I had always seen his face around at school, around the block, but never caught on to his name. I could tell by the way he carried himself, his eyes, the clothes he wore, many, both young and old, sought after him.
Even though I never caught on to his name, and knew damn well I was way out of my league, it didn’t stop me and my silly teenage girl hormones from lusting over him. He was just perfect in every way. From his head full of curly waves, down to the Chuck Taylors on his feet. I curse myself still until this day for daring to seek after something I knew damn well I wasn’t ready for. I was only 14 years old, and he was only 16. Sometimes I have to wonder if what we had was really love, or was it lust and curiosity? Can you really be in love that young? I still curse myself still until this day for thinking that I could compete with the bold and beautiful. Well, wait, I take that back; I still curse myself still until this day for playing the "Crying Game" for so long. We weren’t ready, Nic, and even though I cried, begged and pleaded for him not to leave, I knew deep in my heart we just weren’t ready.
I never got the closure I wanted with Q, we sort of just...ended. And I am convinced I will never get the closure I wanted. I remember the other day I saw him down by Sunoco gas station, there no “hey,” no hug like there was that hot summer day on June 10th. Just a quiet excuse me because he needed to get past a friend and I. Crazy, isn’t it? I still can’t comprehend how two strangers become friends, friends become lovers and then strangers again. I can’t help but spend a lot of nights trying to figure out the pieces as to what happened.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if life happened.
