Dear Mom,
It has only been two months since I've moved out, and I still can't seem to find what I have been looking for since I got here. I got to have a unique first-hand experience at my job, where I wanted to be and sacrificed time being at home with my family to move far away, yet I still don't know what I'm searching for. It was everything that I wanted, but my dreams always seem to like blowing up into bits without me even realizing it was going to happen. Next thing you know, "you're fired"; even though I might have had my moments where I didn't want to return to work the following day, I was always looking forward to the new material.
Late-night shifts, day-long shifts, any possible scenario you can imagine seems like it never even happened once I stepped out of the office I was cooped up in for what felt like forever. Was this meant to happen? It seemed like all of the minimal effort and time that I had to put into my classes throughout the summer semester could have been avoided and ended on a better note. My head feels like it's not on straight, but there's not much I can genuinely do but to just keep looking forward as much as I can while continuously having to remind myself that tomorrow will always be a new day.
I still haven't had many opportunities to create some close friendships yet, but I'm trying my best to participate in club meetings as much as possible (even though all of our meetings are on Zoom). The only thing that still seems to get to me is the straight faces of boredom, and the few that I see every day as soon as I join my classes online. Certain days, it feels like they're all looking at me, coming up with a new reason to judge me every waking second just for the angle of my laptop's camera. It's truly a ridiculous thing to think about, but then I remember what you tell me when I feel socially anxious, "they don't know anything about you" and that "all of us are here for the same reason." You hear from others to remind yourself that people might have the same questions or thoughts as you, but not every detail is the same as yours. You connect with individuals who might have been on the same path as you at some point in your life, or with the personality traits in which you share. Sometimes you have days where you just wish you could be someone else because of the path they've made for themselves or how they might be feeling a little bit better than you today.
At around sunset, I always love to go to the pool outside my building and just relax on one of the red couches they have surrounding the pool. I've been alone most of the time when I watch the sun hide behind the trees while my laptop is left open on the ground, undisturbed, like it doesn't exist. Last weekend, I noticed that someone else comes outside and does the same thing as I do, enjoying the daylight just a little longer. No words were exchanged in this silent interaction, but the memories were shared. It gets a bit easier every day, but that means that you have to stick to the same routine every day, which is the hardest part. It feels like a considerable responsibility to simply take care of yourself while you're away at college, not knowing what door will open next for you. Meanwhile, I still forget to make myself a simple breakfast before I head off to my first class of the day.
It is a lot to come from living in a place where the nearest strip mall was a 30 or so minute drive in another state to a place where I don't know anyone and every face you see walking by you isn't the same as the one you saw yesterday. It has been challenging, and there have been moments where I've wanted to quit, but if it weren't for the people I have met so far, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have had the experience of working at a job that provided me with even more insight into my major. I wouldn't have had the courage to text my new teammates and ask if they would like to have lunch with me. I wouldn't have had the opportunity and space to write what's on my mind knowing that a group of people are willing to support you every step of the way. I'm glad I'm here, and I appreciate all of the support which helps me to become stronger every day, even though you are almost 500 miles away. I hope things turn out for the best and get the chance to invite you and Dad to visit me on campus for the first time.
I love you, and miss you.
