Most of the time, our snapchat stories consists of our desk with neatly-written notes strewn about with the time stamp to show how late it we've been studying or pretending to be studying. We listen to lo-fi music to have something to block out our thoughts about existence, human consciousness, and how we got here. Our parents aren't around, so the only company we have are the ones we choose, and even that can be hard because it's not often that we meet people who quite get us. We try and go along with the first crowd we meet, only to have things fade away as time goes on, and we just want a friendship that wasn't destined to end.

Most of the time, our snapchat stories consists of our desk with neatly-written notes strewn about with the time stamp to show how late it we've been studying or pretending to be studying. We listen to lo-fi music to have something to block out our thoughts about existence, human consciousness, and how we got here. Our parents aren't around, so the only company we have are the ones we choose, and even that can be hard because it's not often that we meet people who quite get us. You should never try so hard to be friends with someone. You should always pursue your own interests, even if they mean you're that weird kid who sits alone at lunch because those are the things that will make people appreciate you later on. We try and go along with the first crowd we meet, only to have things fade away as time goes on, and we just want a friendship that wasn't destined to end.

Freshman year, we have deep conversations about what physical form happiness would take on if it had one. I once told someone that i thought happiness would look like glass because you can't see it. But if you were to turn the glass at an angle to where it would reflect light, it would state its existence more eloquently than anything in this world, and it would always have a translucent glass color. It's been two years and time has given me that angle at which i'm looking at freshman year, the time we were happiest and didn't even realize it. So to all the people whose visions of heart break came true, to the ones wondering whether it's worth forming new relationships, wondering what's the point of anything if everything is coming to an end, or going on a date with that person and talking about your music taste all over again, or just in general feeling like you're in a movie theater and you already know the ending, losing hope sitting there waiting to see if there's a different ending, this is for you:

Whatever's going on in your life, have a good day regardless. At the end of it, realize that you made it. You're still breathing and you tried your best today. You did your best. You get to try again tomorrow, and I'm glad that you're here.

It's okay to feel things in waves. So have moments where you sleep in and miss class. Then to wake up and drive to class listening to music that makes you want to do something spontaneous and impulsive and have the world be your spectator.

Athens is such a small college town that everywhere you go, it's hard to not think that college, and grades, and deadlines are everything. But if you were to go across the street in Atlanta, you'd see old people, and businessmen, or people who've done it all, and college is irrelevant to them. Everything is temporary, and this too will pass. Today, I went to my first ochem 2 lab. During the summer, we have to perform two labs in a five hour period. If you've ever been in a chem lab, you know that everyone is kinda just anxiously trying to read the procedure and do everything correctly, and everyone is looking around the room for the TA because they're so confused and hungry. I came in laughing at myself for breaking the graduated cylinder, joking with the TA about how i still can't figure out which layer is the aqueous layer in extraction, calling our solution a "she" and commenting on how she was reacting and turning a yellow color so well. Happy, nonchalant, relaxed, enjoying myself, taking initiative and not being afraid to go up to the room to grab something behind the board, talk to the TA, being assertive and confident. People were asking me questions because they had caught on to these "good vibes" i was emitting. Hell, i wanted to listen to music while we performed the lab because why not? When we got done with the lab early, my partner said she would try to be more prepared and memorize the procedure more so that next time, she wouldn't be so overwhelmed. I knew that feeling. That feeling of working with someone and feeling like you're not prepared and almost sorry that you need them to do most of the work. I told her I didn't even do the pre-lab. I was just as unprepared as she was. I just seemed confident because I wasn't afraid to ask questions and walk around like I'd done this before. I have done this before. This was my second time taking that lab class, and to those people who were stressed and maybe overwhelmed with having to take an ochem 2 lab in a five hour period, breathe. It was my second time being in that lab room, and I still didn't do the pre lab a whole year later. I guess the first time is always a little nerve-wracking, but treat it as your 10th time. It's hard to explain, and easier said than done. But imagine what you would be like if you went back to high school. You look around at all the things that used to be so important to you. You take the same classes again and notice all the people taking notes intently. You take notes with them, but wouldn't you also have more fun? Because you realize that at the end of the day, it's all irrelevant and you can be whoever you want to be. This is only a fraction of our lives. The grades still matter, but if you treat it like you've done it before, it won't stress you out, and you won't feel like you're one decision away from a completely different life. Life is too important to be taken seriously (Oscar Wilde). So whatever it is, have a good day regardless.

Lonely people have that ability to go about their routines and learn to find themselves without being defined by anyone or anything. Sure there's that feeling of melancholy that never quite goes away, but this heart-broken self is looking back and honestly, I was thriving during the days I spent studying alone. I'm proud of that side of me who wanted nothing more than to read Leo Tolstoy for hours on end. It's only when other people leave that we even notice we were alone in the first place. Now that some time has passed, and I've learned how to be alone again almost, I can honestly say that I would do it all again. My roommate called me at 8 in the morning and was wondering whether to take this guy out on a date. He could possibly graduate, and it would be like last time all over again where she got attached and was left to deal with the memories while he went to DC. So I told her to pack a duffel back and show up at his doorstep saying she's moving in. Before he moves away, before things stop mattering, before time heals everything, because time heals everything, love fiercely and passionately. There's no such thing as happiness. It's only a biological release we get when our brain solves a problem and we think we're happy because we're all animals that need constant problem-solving, mental stimulation. You're never going to live or make the right choices, you're only less wrong the more you try. I wanted her to clip cupid's wings so that he was forced to fly in circles again. Then stumble and fall with so much force is sends shockwaves and the world turns to watch her as she fights like hell to get up and when she does, all bloody and bruised, she smiles and says, "witness me."

One of my favorite lines from Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman is that so many of us "..rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as to not feel anything- what a waste!"

My friend may not know it, but I can tell she's happy being perplexed over her boy problems. It sounds weird, but what I'm saying is I think it's cute that she gets to worry about something like that, and it shows that she's alive. It's something i wish i had the chance to do. Love, get hurt, then do it all again diving in head-first. Most of the time, we don't know that we're happy freshman year until we look back on those days as we're older because like i said, happiness doesn't exist. It was those hard times we spent working toward our goals that really make us happy. It was the small moments where we get to feel heartbreak that lets us know we're alive. The painstaking weeks spent at the gym to work toward your dream body, the hardworking hours spent trying to get into your dream school, the nights spent eating ramen and practicing to make it as a starving artist, the list of people who went and gone that made you who you are today. All the memories that you make, even the ones that hurt, you'll be glad to have them.