Dearest Hooman of mine,

This is your dog, aka the best thing to ever happen to you! I mean really I can't think of anything better than me, can you? If so, I'll chew it up so I'm number one again. We sure have had some pawsome times together, like when I took the remote and chewed on it, or decided to become religious and ate the Bible, and destroy all the toys you give me! What about the time I scared away that scary thing on wheels that you guys sit on (I'm tellin you, EVIL!)? I am such a great dog!

I still cannot believe out of all my brothers and sisters you chose me! Probably because I was the cutest little angel you ever did meet! Especially when I helped untie my boy's shoes and took a nap when little sis held me! I still remember when I poked my little head out to see you on my take home day.

I am sorry I cried all the way home when it was time to move here, I was very scared and had never been without my family before. I now realize that you are my family, and boy am I lucky! Here, I'm the center of attention, and if I'm not, I always know how to change that fact. Like when I slam my cage door shut and then fling it open over and over and make little sis scream? I'm always proud of that!

I have been here for a while now, it's my second summer. I have a few requests to make though to make my stay more comfortable than it already is. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggles and playing and all that but things need to change around here.

First of all, I want a little brother or sister. Maybe one of them basset hounds or beagles! I love friends who howl really loud like my neighbor Homer! I promise I would teach my baby how to beg for food and separates the threads of tugs into lights, darks, and whites. I also promise to teach him or her how to go to the bathroom inside out of spite. Last but not least, I can herd the puppy in the back yard to show our boundaries.

Second of all, I'm tired of the same old dog food every day. Can we mix it up a little bit? Throw in some of those noodles? Oooh and tomato sauce! And don't forget the sprinkle cheese and a meatball on top! I love eating the same food as the rest of you. I mean come on you feed Mommy better than me and I'm supposedly "Man's Best Friend".

Third, I want more toys to destroy. It's funny. They go boom and I imagine they scream when their fluffy fluff flies. (Try saying that five times fast)

Fourth, I hate my crate. Please don't make me stay in there all the time. Or better yet, never leave me so that I can roam freely through the house. Let me put it into a song for you:

The crate

was great

when I was small

but now I think I am too tall!

Fifth, SQUIRREL!

Sixth, everyone else has a room, even big sis who is never home because she's away. I think she's really in the CIA (canine intelligence unit). I want one too, and not my cage. But a big one with lots of grass and water and fire hydrants. Oh and tennis balls!

Last but not least, get rid of everything that scares me. Including but not limited to, the baby gate, the vacuum, the dry swifter, the wet swifter, chairs, wind up toys, the vacuum, lawnmowers, cats on leashes (there's one down the street and it freaks me out and I ran aaaaallllll the way home and almost gave little sis bad road rash) the dog that lives in the fireplace that copies everything I do, the spray bottle, did I mention the vacuum, the garbage disposal, the juice maker, the blender, the tea kettle, the doorbell (that thing freaks me out), The people who ring the doorbell (stop letting stray hoomans walk into my house!) gift bags, plastic bags, garbage bags, suitcases (I'll go bathroom on it after it eats your things again if I have to but I really rather not) and THE VACCUUM!

Like I said, I am very happy here, just need a few more accommodations to make me feel like the royalty I am.

Signed,
Sir Rochester James Duke of Perrysburg

AKA RJ

AKA (1,2) Ra-cha-cha

AKA Stupid Dog

AKA Sneaky Pete

AKA Stinkweed

AKA STOP STEALING EVERYTHING

P.s. Pick one name please. I respond to everything now and it gets confusing.

Also, never put me in the cone of shame again. Although with the hanger the reception was barktastic!