We have all made fun of and complained about helicopter parents before. If you were “hovered over” as a child, I’m sure you have learned first-hand how annoying it is and will not make the same mistake as a parent. But despite all this bad press, helicopter parents are still alive and well. I will retell my personal experiences with these kinds of parents, as well as give my own opinions of why I believe they are misguided in their quest to be the “perfect parent.” Overall, helicopter parenting encourages children to not take responsibility for their actions, delays maturity, and can result in untrusting and “smothered” teens. So, here is a letter to all of the helicopter parents out there:
Dear Helicopter Parents,
1. Your child is not special, and does not want to be.
We once had a child get on the bus to go to his friend’s house instead of his babysitter’s, and did not call his parents to tell them where he was. There was an hour long search and the police were notified before he was found (safe, of course). Accidents like this happen and kids forget things (especially the younger ones) but if anything, it was boy’s fault for getting on the wrong bus and not telling his parents where he went. The boy’s parents did not think that way. They claimed their son had a note in his bag with instructions and they were furious that we did not rummage through his bag and find it (which is illegal, by the way). End of the story, we had to assign one person the job of personally supervising the child to make sure the boy went home to the right place, putting more strain on those that were left to supervise the other 250 children (who all were somehow able to get on the right bus with no help).
Unless your child has a condition where they need a careful set of eyes to watch them, don’t insist upon it. The expression is “the squeaky wheel gets the grease,” but that doesn’t mean there’s an infinite amount of grease to go around, or prevent the wheels from resenting the complainer. Insisting upon special treatment for your child selfishly takes resources away from other children and can give your child and your family a reputation, and not a good one. We all know that one person that no one wanted to be friends with because their family was crazy. Putting your child on a privileges pedestal is a social life killer, especially as they get older.
2. You will make your child’s behavior a reflection of your parenting.
As much as we make fun of the parents that say “My little Johnny is an angel, he would never do that!” in movies and TV shows, the “God Complex” of the parenting world is on the rise.
People (including children) learn from their mistakes (especially if there are consequences), unless someone keeps making excuses for them. Sometimes kids do stupid things or misbehave, and that does not mean they have uncaring parents or a bad upbringing. I believe a lot of helicopter parenting comes from the fear that their child’s actions are a direct reflection of their parenting skills, so they want to control what the child does to a ridiculous extent. This control issue is why these parents will flip out if someone else (teachers, bus drivers, other parents, etc.) discipline their children. The irony is that if your child does something wrong it is not your fault, but if you defend them you are now 100 percent responsible if the child repeats the action because you did not discipline them properly. The misconception is that “standing up” for your child equals loving them. It is the Catch-22 that Baby Boomers like to use when complaining how “all the young people now a-days are so entitled and don’t respect authority.”
3. Other People Have Feelings Too (pretty obvious, right?)
Whether it is children, fellow parents, teachers and other figures of authority, or strangers, every person that your child comes into contact with deserves to be respected. If you leave your child in the care of a teacher, babysitter, or any responsible adult, then they take the role of your child’s guardian for the time. By calling your first grader on their $400 iPhone during school or camp, you are not only distracting your child from learning, but disrespecting their caregiver. If someone went to school for five years to be an elementary educator and has been teaching for ten years, I am positive that they can handle it if your child gets a paper cut.
This goes for issues between children as well. Defending your child when they have punched their friend in the face over who gets to use a crayon first teaches them that “I can do whatever I want and Mommy will fix it if I get in trouble.” Not to mention the blatant disregard of the welfare of the child that has been physically assaulted and his/her family. As corny as it sounds, use the “golden rule,” which is "treat others the way you would like to be treated."
4. The teenage years will be rough.
From experience, I can say helicopter parenting usually produced two types of young adults. The “suffocation” can make them rebellious, angry and untrustworthy. Once they are out from under your prying eye, they are going to do everything they have always wanted to do that you did not let them. They might have learned to be angels around you, but once the tweenage sass kicks in, they will get the guts to talk back and you have lost them.
The other type of child is meek, unconfident and overall very sheltered. They are a ball of clay molded by their parents and are terrified of disappointing or disobeying them. Unfortunately, these children are more likely to be bullied due to their shy nature, and are not likely to tell anyone because they do not want to get their parents even more involved in their lives. They never develop their own morals or demand respect for themselves. The lack of space to be independent and express themselves becomes more of a problem when they become teens. The self-acknowledgement that is demanded by adolescence will not happen easily and the emergence of important, life-changing decisions will scare them. Your child may never say they prefer writing over math, or small colleges over big universities but will let you make the decision of where to go and what major for them — only to crash and burn freshman year when they realize they were not true to themselves and are miserable.
5. You no longer give your own life the attention it deserves.
Do not try to live vicariously through your child. We have all seen "Toddlers and Tiaras," and it is not pretty. Thinking “my child must get good grades, they must excel at soccer, and they must be perfect and happy” is a form of toxic parenting, and it not justified by your own regret at getting poor grades and never playing soccer. Encouraging your child to have an open mind and pursue things they have talent for at is great, but “winning” does not equal happiness, especially if it comes at the cost of the child’s values and wishes. Pressuring children with high expectations encourages cheating and can take a toll on their mental health. The best way for a child to excel is through hard work and having fun, not fear of disappointing her parents.
It is never a waste or selfish to put time into your own passions. A child is not your whole life. Go to book clubs, join an adult soccer league, advance your career or spend time with friends instead of constantly worrying about your child’s future.
