Dear Heart Breaker,

You’ll probably never read this.
In fact, I don’t even think we’re friends on Facebook anymore. I’m pretty sure I deleted you (and it took everything in me) when I sent you a text that said something like “I hope we never stop talking” after we had some kind of stupid argument. I don’t even remember what it was about. I just remember angry text messages and tears (all the tears were on my end, god forbid ever yours), and I had no idea that any of those words that we tossed around would have such an astounding impact on me after "send" had been pressed. I miss the arguing, almost. I miss hearing from you. It’s better than not hearing from you at all.
I also deleted your number. I stopped following you on instagram. I took you off of my snapchat. I took the majority our pictures down wherever they may be. I made myself unable to access you at all unless I really tried because even though I really hate you for how you let me go so suddenly, I really miss you. If you sent me a text at four in the morning a year from now, I’d reply. I'd reply so goddamn fast, too. And that scares the hell out of me because you ruined me.
I don’t trust anyone after you. I barely even look at anyone. I pretty much fell in love with you and you didn’t pick me. But you dropping me didn’t stop me from searching for you in other people. I let other boys touch me but when things get too serious, I shy away. I think it has something to do with the attention I miss getting from you specifically. I miss the adrenaline from feeling appreciated like that (if you ever even appreciated me at all), I miss the plans to hang out one on one, I miss the conversations that lasted from when we both woke up until we went to bed. I don’t want to commit after you, either. Not now. Not until I rid myself of you completely. I just want to feel the same way I did when you texted me every morning when you got to work or let me pour my heart out to you when I was in tears.
Back then it wasn’t so one sided. It didn’t seem like it at least, but infatuation has the tendency to blind a person completely of all the terrible things someone else can do and make us think they’re just mistakes. And we love them even after that.
Maybe if I had seen how you were treating me secondhand that I would have said something. You told me to calm down consistently when I wasn’t upset. You tested my patience. You took my side on several situations and then went behind my back and took the other side instead and expected me not to be upset. You tested my trust. You teased me because you knew I liked you. You tested my self confidence and then crushed me right after. I found out you had lied to me at several points just recently because the entire time you had actually been crushing on a mutual friend of ours.
You stopped talking to me for months and pretended I never existed after a text message about how much you meant to me. You tested how well I can handle myself after one of the most important people in my life kicked me to the curb like roadkill.
I’m not handling it well, in case you ever wonder about me. You probably don't.
I spent a week thinking I was having an existential crisis because I had fried my brain trying to analyze what I had done wrong in this situation from any sort of angle, and by the time I had finally decided that it wasn’t my fault, every one of my emotions had been replaced by anger. I couldn’t feel my body. I felt tired or like I was dreaming for an entire week. I’m pretty sure I had reached the classic “feeling nothing” point. Feeling nothing is worse because when it came back, I just about lost my shit and I think I pissed a lot of people off. I lashed out. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
And now I’m kissing boys I don’t love at two in the morning. I’m staying out until four in the morning on work nights. I’m spending entire days in bed with headphones in. I’m ignoring text messages, phone calls, and snapchats. I’m second glancing drugs and alcohol. I’m spending time with loved ones and wanting to go home hours early from parties because I’m depressed and I would suddenly just rather be by myself than be around anyone.
I’m not opening up to anyone anymore. I’m not trusting anyone anymore after you proved to me that I can be fooled to think that someone who knows everything about me won’t use any of it as leverage against me someday.
You convinced me to shut myself down and put walls up. To make my shrubs extra tall and make sure the roses are extra pointy. You convinced me not to give myself away to anyone. To turn dates down by the numbers. You convinced me that heartbreak is hell.
You also convinced me what my worth is. You convinced me that I’m worth more than I ever thought I was when I had you around. I’m more than what you told me I was when you dehumanized me so many times, time after time after time before what I decided was the last time. I’m more than “cute”, I’m more than “smart”, I’m more than “your blonde friend”.
I’m learning to put my foot down, my middle finger up, to flip my hair and not look back. I’m learning to tell people no, to tell them where they can stick it. I’m learning. You taught me to be angry on the right occasions and you taught me how to protect my heart.
You just had to break it for me first to figure all of this shit out.
So, thank you. Thanks for kicking me to the curb. I really miss you, but I’m happy you’re gone.

I hope you’re doing well.

Sincerely,

Someone who still loves you.