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Dear Hawaiian Shoes...

A letter to the MVP of your shoe collection.

Jun 15, 2015

Hello, my dear little plastic life savers. It's me again, your proud and forever grateful owner, a simple, southern sorority girl who can't be bothered to wear a shoe with straps or laces.

Do you know how much I love you? How much I enjoy spending my day with you? Have I ever described to you the utter happiness I feel when I slide you onto my feet right before class, contemplating the many adventures we are sure to face that day? You've always been there for me ever since I succumbed to peer pressure and ordered you from Alohaz.com. You were there for me that first week of freshman year when I forgot to bring shower shoes, you were there for me for countless all-nighters and late night trips to Waffle House, and all of the times I had to pick up my sisters from insensitively themed parties. You give off the perfect effortless vibe I need to offset my totally insane and controlling demeanor. You make me seem way more normal and approachable than I actually am, and sometimes I even feel kind of free spirited and down-to-earth when I wear you, which is hard for someone who wears so much bronzer.

I'm totally sorry about that time my roommate's stupid boyfriend said you looked like the shoes they made him wear in prison. I hope that didn't hurt your feelings. But you know what they say about mean comments, you have to consider the source. I'm also sorry about the time I accidentally spilled paint on you at one of those glowing-foam-paint-rave parties and it never came off, but I firmly believe that true beauty can only rise from imperfections, and you are all the more beautiful with little neon green flecks. That also helps me discern which pair is mine after I leave you in a pile of other Hawaiian shoes whenever I enter my sorority house in search of pizza rolls and hot gossip.

I promise to love you until the end of time, or until your rubbery frame can no longer support me, and I am forced to commend your spirit to Valhalla in a fiery Viking send off usually reserved for kings and warriors, because you deserve it.

Yours truly,

A sorority girl

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Dear Hawaiian Shoes...

A letter to the MVP of your shoe collection.

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"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

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2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

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