Dear God,
I think that throughout my life, as you know best, I have doubted you and your entire existence many times. I told myself as a child that if there ever was a God, that there was no way I’d have to experience the things I did on a daily basis. I doubted the process, the experience, and the journey as it related to the person I was destined to become; a person who you already knew would prosper from the fire.
God, I can’t lie to you, sometimes I do wonder why it seems like after every turn I make, I get set back over and over again. It always seems like no matter how much I try to believe, I am given reasons why not to believe. I always want to ask what the reason for the struggle is, but I know that without even asking that question I will find the answer in due time.
You see, I think more so now than ever, I am just tired. I feel like a pencil without any led left in it; a field of flowers that have been picked and pulled, left with nothing but emptiness and a want for some kind of meaning. I am beginning to lose hope in ever believing in you again, in ever mending the brokenness of my relationship with you. I know that I am not experiencing the worst of this world, but as much as I keep telling myself that, it is not helping the hole that has developed within the depths of the cracks in my broken heart.
God, my soul is lost. At this moment, I am not sure who the person is that is looking back at me in the mirror. I’m not sure that even you are aware of who that person is either. Are you with me, God, when I am sitting in my room at night in the dark, wondering what the ultimate purpose of my life is? Are you with me when I am hurt? Are you with me at all?
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that despite all that you’ve done for me in my life, I still continue losing the faith that you’ve tried to give me. I’m sorry that regardless of the people you’ve placed in my life, a true sign of your love, I still take both them and you for granted. But I don’t know how to love anymore, God. I don’t know how to be, how to exist, how to live.
I hope that one day I realize the things I have been through will somehow be for the betterment of not only myself, but others as well. Please help me to continue working through the daily battles of the events that come together and make up my life. Please help me to know and trust you more fully.
By myself, I can do nothing. Though my mother and father have abandoned me, I know you will take me in.
Thank you for loving me.
Always,
Bri
