So you're sitting there, fretting over your LinkedIn profile, updating your resume endlessly, finding things to change and adjust every time you go back and look at it. Googling things like "what to say in your cover letter" and "what makes me stand out?"

I'm with you, but in reality, isn't it true the things we end up putting on our resume and cramming into our cover letters ultimately never actually come close to what we could really be pitching about ourselves? The real life things that make us who we are, that appeal to people and make us leap off that finely formatted, grammatically flawless letter you mail in and tragically await the lackluster response from employers.

So here it is, future employers of mine. This is the candid me, the real low-down on who you'd be hiring.

Dear Hiring Manager:

Internship Opportunity Summer 2017,

Hi there, my name is _____, and truthfully, the series photo squares that appear on my Instagram paired with my Spotify account are probably the most accurate and candid representations of my life. Some days I tend to sit on the couch all day watching Netflix, and other days I have class and work my butt off to tune out the professor in order to polish my resume as the teachers roll on and on about how to make an infographic on the benefits of exercise.

Another thing, I sleepwalk. Every night. You probably wouldn't like to know that but I have actually started sleep-serving which I hypothesize is from the stress of my recent employment at a restaurant (Fall 2016 - Present. It has taught me to multitask, hone my organizational skills and has even strengthened my ability to manage my time!)

More importantly, it has allowed me to try every single sushi roll on the menu—my favorite always being the Alaskan with cream cheese.

It has also taught me not to drop trays, strengthening the muscles in my wrist and my ability to both walk AND balance things in tandem... real life experience qualifying me for the tight rope if ever presented with a Cirque Du Soleil-type job opportunity.

I watch stand up comedy skits religiously, qualifying me to bring second-hand yet hilarious jokes into the workplace. (Check out Pete Holmes' Faces and Sounds for some unreal interpretations from yours truly.)

I'm from Minnesota so I can endure any and all seasons. I'm most happy in summer which will ultimately benefit you because my pale frostbitten skin will be praising the sun and touch of warmth, even from within the confines of a corporate office!

I don't have a boyfriend. So count out any possibility of trying to take time off this summer for some dude. However, my friends are the utmost priority and my best friend's birthday is in July so... I'm going to have to be there for her. If that's a deal breaker, catch up with ya later! (Said Amanda Bynes' voice from She's The Man... that makes it better doesn't it?)

Last but certainly not least, I kill it at deadlines. One time I had a project due in 15 minutes that I had to take photos for, so I called a cab and paid them to drive me uptown Oxford, Ohio, as I snapped photos from within the cab in the pouring rain. Printed and turned them in for my photo journalism class 10 minutes later. Got an A on the project. Big shoutout to Cindy the cab driver, who really came in clutch with her sharp turns and aggressive driving style.

All in all, employers, I am one out of hundreds, maybe thousands of qualified candidates, but there is not one thing I won't do in order to get the job done. Hope you have enjoyed this tidbit and if you would like to schedule an interview please refer to my resume on the following page!

Sincerely,

One In A Million