Dear future friend,

If you want to be friends, here are somethings you should know about me first. Never say I didn't try to warn you.

1. I need all of the attention at all times, but only in a positive and affirmative manner. .
2. If you tell me to show up at 1 I will rush in half an hour later.
3. I curse like a sailor and I am fucking proud of my vocablulry.
4. My room will never be organized. Neither will my make-up collection. Neither will my closet.
5. I spend thousands on make-up. I will get defensive if you tell me to chill about it.
6. There is a high, extremely high, probability that I will remember nothing about you after our first interaction.
7. My attention span is short, and I cannot (will not) fake interest if I am bored.
8. If I see a dog, I will ignore you and break all laws to pet it.
9. I will not forgive jokes about mental disabilities.
10. As a black woman I know I shouldn't, but racist jokes make me laugh until I cry.
11. I can handle sex jokes, innuendos, or the number 69, with the same maturity as a preteen boy.
12. I had the highest road rage score of everyone in my class, and I have a habit of disregarding the speed limit.
13. I refuse to believe that one alarm is enough.
14. If we are living together and you get horrendously murdered while I am asleep, I will not wake up. Sorry.
15. I assume people know I am sorry and therefore rarely apologize.
16. If we are on the same team for a sport, I will not even pretend to try.
17. If we lose at a broad game, I will take it personally.
18. I get a little too involved in politics.
19. I will cry every time I see any finale of any show.
20. I cannot handle competition shows because I get way too emotionally attached to everyone.
21. If my dog/brother/father/mother/best friend(s) don’t like you, I don’t like you.
22. No matter how much I love you, I will not text you first.
23. If you text me I might not respond for a ridiculous amount of time.
24. It will take many moons for me to be vulnerable around you.
25. It will take forever for me to consider you my friend, not just my acquaintance, but once we are it will take heaven and hell to move me from your side.