Dear Little Girl Lost Cause,

I know. I know what you've been thinking. You believe that if you were to die all your problems would go away, that all the malevolent thoughts screaming in your head will be silenced if you just stop breathing for long enough. And you're right. The thoughts would stop. The demons that shout in your mind would be silenced, but so would the angels. Sweetheart, whether or not you believe this you need to know that there are people in this world, some that you don't even know personally, that would miss you so much. Therapy may not seem to work right now, but give it time, you'll meet a great doctor someday who will help you make sense of your own mind. She works with another who helps keep the medications you need on your prescription and they both want you to succeed.

Your mom and dad are so proud of you whether or not you realize it. They are proud of you for the little things like when you ask questions in class about a problem you don't understand, or when you stand up for a cause you believe in or when you work really hard on something. They might not say it out loud, but trust me they are proud of you.

Mia is too. I know you two fight sometimes and as sisters it won't stop. Not even when you go off to college and come back on breaks. You'll spend the entire summer before you go away fighting over the bathroom and her locking the door so you can't get in. But trust me, the calls and texts you guys share over her arguing with Mom and Dad about her being more social and extroverted with her extracurriculars, those will be moments you cherish forever. You'll text Mom one day while you're at college because you feel like ripping yourself apart because of how upset you are with yourself over a boy who didn't return your affections; it's been two years since that happened. Mom will then call you over a video call and she'll tell you how much she loves you even though you don't want to admit that you're still hurt by the boy. Mia will tell you that she loves you and when you wish she could give you a hug, she'll hug the iPad your mom had called you on knowing that the thought itself is enough. You'll swear you could almost feel her embrace. And when you go seeking help, you'll find it in a friend who may never know the full extent of what you've gone through, but she's willing to listen and try to help. She won't judge. She'll be honest and kind and caring and you'll wonder what you did in your life or your past life, to deserve the friends and family you have. She'll tell you that because you didn't really allow yourself to mourn the loss of a possibility of romance with the boy, that you only allowed the emotions to build up. She'll tell you that you need to start taking steps to let go.

You'll go to a church to do it. You haven't set foot in one outside of the Christmas Mass since you were in 8th grade and you'll never believe how liberating it was. To walk into the empty church and pray without feeling like you don't belong. You'll be completely honest with yourself out loud and outside of a professional's office for the first time in a long time and it will be incredible.

You're going to make a lot of new friends as well as keep a lot of old friends. Butler Creative Writing Camp pals will become family. You'll bond with new people and even gain a brother out of the world. He will not be your blood relation, but you'll come to learn that family doesn't end in blood.

You'll craft stories and poetry that people enjoy reading. That people enjoy hearing. Professional slam poets will enjoy hearing your poetry. A man named Carlos Andres Gomez, a slam poet invited by your Cottey College, your university, will ask you to recite "No", your first slam poem as an opening act for him. He will tell you that you are talented and he was so honored to have met you. You'll meet G Yamazawa who will remember you tweeting at him about worrying whether or not you'll be able to see him perform due to your participation in a play. He'll tell you he's glad that you made it.

At this moment you don't believe that you'll ever be anything more than a mistake meant to be a new statistic. You still believe that in youth group, as you need to choose a patron saint for a medal you're trying to make a choice between St. Martin of Tours, the patron saint of horses, St. Francis de Sales, the patron saint of authors, and St. Jude Thaddeus, the patron saint of lost causes, because you think that you are a lost cause. You believe more in the idea that you have no purpose and that you are not worthy of the space you take up in the world, in the universe, more than you believe in a higher power that you hope will welcome you when you do eventually end your life.

Sweetie, you shouldn't let yourself think about that.

The universe is so big, so huge, and you don't take up that much space, yes there are others out there in the world, but they do not need your space, they need your continued existence. You no doubt would be asking me why? Why do these people I've never met, but deserve more than me, why do they need me to keep living?

Sweetheart, sweet girl. You will learn exactly how many young people kill themselves every day and you'll be horrified. You'll realize that the person who could discover the cure for cancer, the person that could discover a peaceful resolution to wars across the world, that the person who could save hundreds of thousands of lives, that person was probably one of them. And you'll figure out that the American Education System is a mess and in need of fixing, but nobody is going to unless someone stands up to do it. You'll discover that if you don't take a stand and help others, that there is no guarantee that anyone else will. So you need to be the one to make a stand.

You're gonna do great things. You're going to feel better about yourself. You'll still have some bad times, but you'll have plenty of good times too.

And when you feel those bad times from depression coming on, talk to Mom, Dad, a counselor, your therapist, call a helpline, text one of your friends that's family. And just remember that just like the book said "It gets better" and if you don't believe it then believe this "Sometimes things don't get better, but you get stronger."

Yours Truly,

The Difference Between Surviving and Living,

The Girl Who Survived and Thrived,

And Who You Will Grow to Be.