In dedication to National Eating Disorder Week, February 21 to 27.

Dear Eating Disorder,

When I look back, it all seems like it was a blur. Somehow, though, at the time, it was all crystal clear; every single detail was down to a T. I was only 14 when you crashed into my life, a freshman in high school. I’m not sure what anyone could do to have this life-threatening illness thrust upon them.

I was never “overweight,” honestly; not even close. I was a petite high school freshman. I was only 14, running on the varsity cross country team.

I swear, nothing could stop my goals. I wanted to be number one, so I was going to be number one.

I take that back. Something could stop my own goals, and someone did stop my goals.

It was me. I brought my own goals to an abrupt halt. I thought I had good intentions. I thought I was only doing myself good.

I was wrong.

Or maybe, it was you, not me.

I precisely measured my granola to eat each morning; a cup. No more than that, but occasionally less. I packed myself a protein bar every single day for school. I thought it would be just enough to get me through cross country practice, plus, I’d burn it right off during the workout.

As I said, I was in no means ever “overweight.” I could not help but glance in the mirror, then stare and feel pure dissatisfaction with my body. The mirror infuriated me. Nothing was right about my body. One day my shoulders were too broad, the next, my thighs were too close to touching each other. I was never satisfied with my stomach; I could never get it “flat enough.” Eventually I started to hate my general appearance, even my face. I thought was hideous to look at. It probably was, but only because you had virtually created a skeleton.

I refused to acknowledge you even existed at first. I believed I was completely fine. That’s what you do to people — manipulate them.

You twist and turn thoughts in people’s brains, to convince them that they are not good enough. That if you starve yourself, or purge after a meal, then maybe you will be good enough.

People still don’t understand what you did to me. I don’t even understand the ways you still affect me and manipulate the thoughts in my head. I’m still bothered when others count their calories or go on some strict diet. People should not do that to themselves. It’s triggering to watch people step on the scale and pray they’ve shed off a few pounds, and it is honestly heart breaking that these numbers mean so much to human society.

You made the simplest tasks difficult. I would go into clothing stores and squeeze into jeans the next size down. What should it matter? It’s a pointless number, plus, all jeans or shirts or dresses are different. You made it next to impossible for me to believe that, though.

Yes, I do believe that every single person is beautiful in their own way. I know that every body will have “flaws,” but that that’s what is supposed to make us perfect. I believe it, but at the same time, I could not help but compare my body to everyone else’s. I could not help but pick out the different flaws I see in myself every hour of every day.

The guilt I still carry around is unreal. I feel guilt for putting my family and friends through this ugly stage in my life. I feel guilt for the thousands of dollars spent on my treatment. I feel guilty for letting you affect me in that sort of way. I just have to remember, it was not me.

Dear Eating Disorder,

You have messed with my head in countless ways. The joke is on you, though; I got over you. I became stronger than you and all the voices you implanted in my brain. For that, I thank you for making me realize how strong of a person I actually am.

I did not get in the way of my own goals, you pushed my goals to the sideline until I was strong enough to carry on without your devilish games.

Yes, you did put my life on hold. My health, social life and happiness were stopped dead in their tracks. Now, I’m full speed ahead in a completely different direction. You turned me away from all the bad, and my recovery pointed me towards the good.

I left you behind, along with my running career. That was just one page in my book though. I just want you to know that I’m far past that ugly chapter with you.

I’m done sleeping to avoid eating. I’m done running to burn off each single calorie I had taken in that day. I’m over you telling me how ugly I was every time I looked in the mirror. I’m done being afraid to eat hamburgers; I love them now, actually. I’m done with you trying to control my life, and succeeding. Now, I’m the only one in charge.

National Eating Disorder Awareness week is Feb. 21 to Feb. 27, 2016. Eating disorders are a life-threatening mental illness. Eating disorders have the highest level mortality rate of any mental illness in the United States.

They are not only mental, but psychical, too. Eating disorders result in Osteoporosis, muscle loss, kidney failure, the weakness of heart and hair loss, just to begin.

There has been a rise in incidence of anorexia in young women ages 15 to 19 in each decade since 1930 (Hoek& van Hoeken, 2003). The incidence of bulimia in 10- to 39-year-old women has tripled between 1988 and 1993 (Hoek& van Hoeken, 2003).

For more on the underestimated, life-threatening disease look on https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/.