I hate to admit that I find comfort in your name, but you explain most of the confusing feelings that I experience. Most people understand my mental/emotional state when I explain that I have had spurts of depression and anxiety throughout my life which makes me feel less alienated.
You had such a strong and dark hold over me when I was younger, but now you have less of a hold on me. Your grasp has weakened over the years and I have learned how to ride out your visits.
A cloud of complete darkness doesn't completely swallow me up when I am overwhelmed. Now I simply cope with the feelings that you bring. You don't control me anymore, how does that feel?
A few years ago I could hardly force myself out of bed in the morning because life seemed like it was unbearable. The smallest things just seemed like 10lb weights added onto my shoulders and anything that went wrong would send me into a downwards spiral that I couldn't break free of.
Starting in fourth grade I remember the first thoughts you put into my head. You used to make me think that I was too ugly, too nerdy, too awkward and almost anything else you could imagine. I remember the first time the words "go kill yourself" were aimed at me and I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn't matter if I did. I was in sixth grade and on my way to foods class–I even remember looking back at the upperclassman girl who said it to me. I remember my heart sinking and I looked down at body, hating everything that I saw. You fed off of these feelings and decided to stay on a more permanent basis throughout middle school and most of high school.
I struggled through years of hating myself, harming myself and trying to be someone that I wasn't. I made friends with people that I shouldn't have, I made choices that put myself in danger and I found myself latching onto people that only cared about me when they needed something. These all wore on me and with the terrifying process of choosing a college looming in my future, I hit my lowest point during junior year.
Depression, you took over my life. You held me in your grasp for seven years. Between you and your friend anxiety, I now carry both visible and invisible scars that will last me a lifetime. I'm not ashamed to have dealt with you, I don't hide my relationship with you and overall I can say that you made me stronger.
I hope that you decide to not reappear to the extent that you had before, but If you did I believe that I could cope enough to keep my head above water.
The last thing I have to say to you is in the form of a request. I ask you to take it easy on the young girls that don't quite know who they are yet. Don't turn their worlds dark and gloomy, let them enjoy their teenage years instead of simply trying to survive them. Please.
Sincerely,
A Much Stronger Danielle
