Dear Depression,

This isn't me, this is you. This is you that decided to invade my body to call your home. This is you that pushed people away, forcing me to only spend time with you. This is you creating the abusive relationship that I've been in since I was little. You've manifested these ideas that I will never "be enough" so far into my brain that they are engraved with your initials. You drew me in, you spoke poetry to me, making me think you were the only one who could ever love me. The nightly, numb sensations that created dark circles under my bright, red eyes became too familiar for me to want to break away. There are some days when I feel the warmth of the sun again, and I think about what my world would be without you.

The first time I tried to end things with you was the night I knew you would always be a part of me. From the moment I broke my shaving razor apart, to when I felt the blade graze my skin, I knew you wouldn't let me go. I gave you so many different ways to leave my body by ripping my skin apart. I wanted you to leave so much, I still hurt myself. Your grip was too tight for me to move, and I felt your shadows all around me as I had cried myself to sleep. I think you wanted me to be this way; to be vulnerable and open. This way you could make your way in and out with ease, teasing me as life goes by and I didn't move. I didn't try and escape from your grip, nor did I try to leave you anymore. I watched the world move, and knew you wouldn't let me go.

I often dream about feeling "normal". I dream of the warmth in my parents arms, or the wind that tingles my skin, and I feel at peace. I feel free from your terrifying, deafening screams at night, worried that we may part one day. I dream of finding love, friendship, and myself again. I want to experience starting a family, I want to experience traveling, I want to experience happiness. I need this for myself, and my ideal happiness doesn't include you.

So I'm drawing the line. No more of this relationship, or whatever we are. No more thinking, no more excuses. This time, we are done for good. I know realistically, you will be always be around. Spying on my new life, or trying to sneak your way back in to where you once called your home. This time I will be stronger than you can ever imagine. I may have my days where your engraved words linger in my head, reminding me of what we were. I will always have the scars, and maybe more, but I refuse to let you win this time.

I'm starting to open my windows and feel the breeze again. I remember what it's like to feel genuinely happy. This time, it is me and not you.