Dear California,

I’ve never been one to verbalize what I want because I so often put others before myself. Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with doing that. The problems arise when I put others so far beyond myself that I lost focus of what I wanted. I have to be selfish, or else I'd never chase my dreams to the fullest extent. I’d put others before myself and bury my own ambitions underneath endless excuses of “It can wait," “I’ve got time,” and “I’m afraid of going out of my comfort zone." Having graduated two months ago, I see life differently. I see life with you.

I went to Disneyland when I was 4 years old and honestly, I don’t remember much. There are pictures of myself with family and friends where we’re adorned with Disney-themed headpieces that give us Tigger ears, Rabbit ears, and so on. We’re happy. I mean, how could we not be? It’s Disneyland! I look back on those pictures trying to remember the last time I was truly and wholly immersed in unrestrained happiness. I’ve had my highs of reading a speech at my high school commencement, going to college, First Year Getaway, the Search retreat, LENS, making new friendships, meeting more of my mentors in life, reading a speech to students and staff, and then graduating feeling like a success. Coming back to my hometown changed things.

My hometown isn’t a dangerous or disappointing hometown by any means. I have my family that I love with all my heart, a lovely coffee shop, fast-food restaurants left and right, a few nice parks, the soccer fields where I played endlessly growing up, and the place I’ve called home for most of my life. It’s got everything I’ve grown up knowing, but as I continue to grow up I want to continue learning. I want to continue going places that are completely new to me. I want to finally, after all this time, push myself so far out of my comfort zone that I grow comfortable with who I am away from everything I know. I want to be happy. I want to follow my dream of screenwriting and exist where your weather is warmer, the dreams are closer to touch, and where I can be me.

1. I want to see the Hollywood sign.

2. The Redwood Forest

3. Big Sur

4. The Golden Gate Bridge

5. The Mojave Desert

6. Yosemite National Park

7. The night sky above Yosemite National Park.

And, I'm positive there's so, so much more to see of you that I will. This isn't because I romanticize you so heavily that I want to see you in all your glory. It's because I know by seeing you that I'll be where I want to be. It's because I know I'll be truly and wholly immersed in unrestrained unhappiness

Sincerely,

Someone who's waited too long.