Dear Body of mine, I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry that for all of these years, I have hated you. To this day, I still don't like you. I've always had an image in my head of what my "perfect" body would look like. I would be a lot thinner, have less body fat, clear skin, large breasts and beautiful features. Instead, I see myself as the complete opposite.
I was never the skinny girl when I was younger, and I always envied my friends and family that were. Despite being involved in dance, gymnastics, and cheer, I was still on the heavier side. I was always self conscious about my stomach rolls, double chin and round face. I had a love for food and would sometimes use that as a distraction to my body issues. As the years went on, I found that I was beginning to slim down. I was finally beginning to think that everything was going to be alright. Boy, was I wrong.
Being involved in dance and various other activities made me quite busy from middle school to high school. I wasn't in love with my body, but I didn't necessarily look at myself as "fat" either. I stopped dance in high school so I could have more free time. More free time came with more time to eat food and relax on the couch while watching tv. Before I knew it, I was gaining more weight.
As I saw all of the weight I was gaining, my self confidence and love for myself as a person was withering. I began to not only hate myself, but also hate food. I had an eating disorder for about 2 months and no one knew. I would become excited if I saw the number going down on the scale each day. I felt stronger, even though I was weaker than ever.
Realizing that an eating disorder was very dangerous and it wasn't worth risking my health, I tried an alternative; dieting. I would do crash diets, take diet pills, and do so much research on how to "lose 30 pounds in 30 days!". After the countless fails at dieting, I would resort back to my old ways and eat like crap. I would try to eat healthy occasionally, but get discouraged when my crazy college schedule would get in the way.
So, here I am. Back to where I was from the very beginning. Hating every mirror that I look into, every dressing room, every snap chat, every Facebook photo; I hate them all. And for that, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I hate you so much, body. I'm sorry that I haven't taken the best care of you. I'm sorry that I tear you down ever. single. day. I'm sorry for not loving you the way that I should.
I will try harder. When my friends and loved ones tell me that I'm not fat, that I am beautiful, and that I should absolutely love myself and my body the way that others love and see me as, I will believe them. When my boyfriend tells me that I am the most beautiful girl in the world and he would love me even if I was too big to get out of bed, love him for that. Love the fact that people love you and think that you are something special. They all see this beautiful, strong, and intelligent woman, so why can't you see the same?
You and I may never come to perfect terms, but I will sure as hell try.
