You have struggled. You will struggle again. Things will be worse. They will be the worst they have ever been.
But you will be okay.
You will lose things. You will lose relationships. You will lose jobs. You will temporarily lose Middlebury.
You will think you are a burden, you are too much. You will feel broken, unfixable, unable to be saved.
You are not a burden. You cannot be fixed because you are not broken. You won’t be saved because no one can save you but yourself. You will find the strength within you to save yourself.
But you will be okay.
You are scared. You are terrified.
You cry on a bench in the lobby of Davis Family library, scared that you are losing yourself again. That night you sit at dinner, feeling like you’re drowning, surrounded by friends but under the surface, unable to reach them. You’ll sink so deep you can’t tell which way is up. The ocean is 36,200 feet deep. You will feel like you are at 50,000 feet.
You will wear you favorite sweater for five days. You will cry when you think about taking a shower because it seems like an insurmountable task- walking to the bathroom with your shower caddy, brushing your teeth, shampooing, conditioning, face wash, body wash. You will lie curled around your laptop in bed, about to cry because you can’t make yourself open it and start writing that essay that you’ve begged for three extensions on. You will miss meetings, skip classes, stop talking to friends.
You will lose a best friend. You will lose most of your outer perimeter of friends. You will lose the most important relationship in your life.
But you will be okay.
A poem will save your life. (“The Nutritionist”, Andrea Gibson.)
I sit here today, and I have survived every day up to this point. And the worst may come again, but I am not going anywhere.
You will want to die. There are scars crisscrossing your body.
You will ask for help, you will get it. You will rebuild your relationship with yourself. You will learn about yourself. You will learn that sometimes no one is going to swim down to save you. Sometimes you need to just keep swimming as Dory reminds herself in “Finding Nemo.” You will keep swimming.
You will find strength you didn’t know. You will draw strength from Buddha, from Andrea Gibson and Rupi Kaur. You will find new relationships, you will learn you have so many people that love you. You will learn that they want to help you, want to support you. You will learn that when you let people in, they will surprise you. They will love you. You are loveable. You will learn to love yourself.
Recovery won’t be a straight line. There will be mountains and valleys, but that is okay. Life isn’t linear and neither is recovery.
You are strong; you are capable.
The worst may still be coming. But you will be okay.
Thank you to the friends, family, treaters, professors, Dean Scott Barnicle and everyone that has helped and supported me through this journey. Thank you to Andrea Gibson and Rupi Kaur for your words of wisdom. I wouldn’t be here today without all of you.
