I know that as a strong woman, I should 'need no man' and I should be able to be my own superhero. However, in the case of my father, all I ever wanted was to be shown love by him.
My father has always been a 'tough love' kind of guy. After 25 years of parenting with an iron fist, I was emotionally damaged from it. Almost all of my early memories with my father involve being punished by him. I remember him cutting all of my hair off to upset my mother or washing my mouth out with soap when I was three.
As I grew up, I felt like he was never proud of me or happy with anything I did. Every time I was excited to show him something that I did, he only gave "constructive criticism." I never could be around him and have a feel-good moment.
Eventually, I grew interest in boys and my daddy issues began to show. I never could admit it to myself, but it was so obvious in every interaction I had with a boy. I did not care how they treated me, I just wanted them to give me attention and to be proud of me.
In my late teens, the idea of daddy issues was a big meme sensation. It was a huge joke and I hated it. My friends would make little remarks that they found funny, but it felt like squeezing lemons into a gaping wound. My father would even make remarks and continuously tell me that I had daddy issues because he failed to show me affection.
I really wanted to fix my relationship with my father and I always told myself that I had time to do it. I thought that it would be easier for me to do it when I was older and confident enough to stand up for myself.
When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I knew that day would never come. It was the hardest pill I ever had to swallow. After months of trying to cope, I knew that my only other option was to accept our relationship and move forward. After all, why should my father's failure to be a parent, be my eternal burden to bare?
Accepting our relationship as is has helped tremendously. I stopped constantly trying to get approval from him and in turn, stopped getting rejected by him. I'd be lying if I said I did not still struggle to figure out my feelings for him. However, now that I don't seek approval from him, I don't seek it from any man. The need to get that validation just is not there like it used to be. It is very freeing to finally do things because it makes me happy.
Having daddy issues can feel like a lifelong weight, pulling you into the deep blue. Everyone's journey with it is different. On my journey, I will never get that happy ending I dreamt of and that is okay.
