First of all, hello, I am Mackenzie Schindler and I'm a pretty terrible person. Just getting that out of the way so you don't feel the need to reiterate it later. I already know. So there.

Okay, so ya ever go on a date and it's going well and then BAM. Goes further south than the cherry dropping off Satan's cigarette and there you are on a roller coaster waiting to get off and away from the person puking all over you. Yeah, it's dramatic, but that's what it felt like. At least in my case.

In regular English: The date went to crap, the person you went on a date with creeped you out, and you were too nice to run away screaming so you pushed through it and then at the end of the night, you lay in bed completely traumatized hoping the person never contacts you again. And they freaking do. Because they had a great damn time.

So here are a few ways to avoid that shit.

During The Date:

-Avoid the awkward eye contact. Say you got something stuck in both eyes and close them every time they look at you, then turn your head away and try to get it out.

-If you don't feel like digging in your eyes every sixteen seconds, stare even harder back at them.

-If you're at a movie together, scream at every scary scene. Or laugh obnoxiously at every funny thing. OR laugh at the scaries and scream at the funnies.

-If they bring a flask into any establishment y'all go into together, ask for some and dump it all out. Because that's just weird ok. (Yeah, it happened to me)

Being Dropped Off By Date/Dropping Off Date

-If you wanted a kiss and they turn out to be a terrible kisser: bite their tongue and be like oh, thought the fight was on. My bad.

-If they want a kiss and you're not about it: Lean in. Look in their eyes. Smile. Then turn around and walk away or slam the door in their face.

-If they wanna come in or want you to come in: Talk about all the babies you can't wait to have with them.

-If they seemingly do everything not to end the date: Start being a damn butthole, ok.

Savagery is always acceptable.*

*In 93.7% of all cases.

To Avoid Another Date Thereafter:

-Inform them they made you realize you're not over your ex. (I did this. Works.)

-If you're in college: Say you have to move home because you flunked out and you can't have a long-distance relationship. (Thought about doing this.)

-Is it Halloween? Freakin' ghost them. But only do this if they're super creepy and you're mildly worried about your safety. (REALLY thought about doing this.)

-Grow a set and be like, nah. We aren't going on a second date. (I did this combined with pretending to not be over my ex. 10/10. Much success. Would recommend.)

If All Else Fails:

Unleash the crazy.

-Be clingy. Stage five? How about stage 462?!

-Bring up your week-a-versary. Or day-a-versary.

-Ask for their social security number for the joint bank account.

-Find their mother. Befriend her.

-Watch How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Do all of those things as well.

-The above tip works especially well if you're a male.

-Basically, as long as you don't get arrested or physically harm the person you went on a crappy date with, you can do whatever to get rid of them for good.

Always Have a Safe Way Out:

If your safety truly becomes a concern at any time during a date, just know a gut feeling is a valid feeling.

-Have a text ready to send to a friend.

-Have a friend call you periodically to make sure they don't (or do) have to cry and get you out of the date.

-Mace.

RIP to my failed relationship attempts that I wasn't actually excited for.