Originally, I was going to write a follow-up to my first article on Odyssey. I'd link the article, but as it was about my difficulty deciding who to vote for it's no longer relevant. I was going to write about why I decided to cast my vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Jill Stein, and about the line of reasoning that led me to do so. I was going to write about it because I thought it would be interesting to put out there, and because (of course) I'd be able to write a lot about what went on in my head. But I was planning this article because I made a crucial assumption: I assumed that Hillary Clinton would win the election. One of the reasons I was considering Stein in the first place was because I was sure Clinton would win, so I could be justified in casting my vote for the candidate I felt best represented my own opinions while not serving as a 'spoiler' vote. Donald Trump was in the midst of his various scandals, most prevalent being the 2005 tape of his sexist and downright predatory remarks. Watching the debates, I could only laugh at his mishaps, at his constant interruptions and his proclamation that he was 'smart' to avoid paying taxes, and I laughed harder when I watched Saturday Night Live skits showing a Trump full of self-destructive comments, and a Clinton who was more than happy to listen and smile, cheering internally for her victory. I was confident that this election was over, and my beliefs felt further justified when Trump pulled the typical sore loser excuse by saying that the election was rigged.
But a few days before the election, I began to get a little nervous. I saw polls showing that the race was closer than I had thought, and FBI director James Comey announced that he was reopening the investigation into Clinton's emails, implying that something suspect was found. So on Tuesday, in the morning, I walked a few minutes to the Collegeville municipal building and cast my vote for Clinton. I went about my business the rest of the day with my 'I voted' sticker, not too worried now that I had made my small contribution. It wasn't until around 11 or 12 at night that I started to get pulled back into the election. I saw updates on the election online, I saw that Trump was in the lead. I saw on TV that states were going to him left and right, and more states were projected going Republican than Democrat. I started to see that Republicans were leading in the House and Senate races, inching closer and closer to winning the majority. I had voted, and it was too late to do much else. All I could do was watch and focus intently on the election. I almost deluded myself into thinking that caring more would change the outcome. I held out hope for an upset, for a great rally of Clinton votes coming in, but there was already an upset at hand. I had believed in a Clinton victory, and I was witnessing what to me seemed a terrifying underdog story.
I watched for around 2-3 hours before going to bed, taking some small comfort in the victories and projected victories of Clinton while bemoaning all the red states. As a Pennsylvanian, I was particularly invested in that race. When I started watching, it was for Clinton, albeit by a slim margin. As the night went on, however, more votes came in and Pennsylvania shifted from blue to red. That was probably the most crushing blow for me, almost as crushing as the big picture outcome. I had cast my vote in PA, and when Trump took the state I felt a sense of betrayal. I felt like my vote meant nothing, that I had been let down, as if my single vote meant so much in the grand scheme of things. As the reality of Trump's victory came closer, I began to lose interest, debating whether or not to go to sleep. When he took PA, I immediately went to bed.
The next day, I woke up in a strange daze. I certainly wasn't as horrified as I was last night, and most certainly not as horrified as the various posters I saw on Facebook, made by friends and friends of friends. People bemoaned the future of the country, expressed solidarity for those that faced the possibility of losing very important rights, and made angry posts about the outcome and what and who caused it. I simply went about the day, distracted by the tragedy and various articles I read, as people tried to come to terms with the election results. I was especially struck by the blame, and all the places and people it flew to. People blamed the racist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamiphobic, and misogynistic population of America, stating that their disrespect for others led to the electing of a candidate who shared those beliefs. People blamed the elitists who labeled white Americans with these terms, stating that their own disrespect led to a cultural backlash culminating in Donald Trump. People blamed the Democratic National Committee for their scandals, their suspect activities and reputation, and their suppression of more progressive, relatable candidate: Bernie Sanders. People blamed the media for creating a false sense of security with their reporting, creating within people a lack of desire to vote. People blamed the apathy of the voters themselves. And of course, people blamed Clinton for her scandals, her untrustworthiness, and her campaign, thinking that anyone else could have defeated Trump. They blamed her for losing.
Even now, I don't fully know where this article is going and what I'm going to do as an American citizen going forward. I have to figure out what else I can do, aside from vote, if I really care about the future of my country and want to stand up for the values I believe in. I have to figure out how much I'm willing to do in service of those values. But one thing I do know now is that this country isn't what I thought it was. After the end of the election, I feel that I'm not living in the same place I once was, while really, nothing has changed. I'm forced to reevaluate the values of this country, to think about how accepting a place it really is, and to contemplate how much prejudice exists towards women, racial minorities, the LGBTQ community, and so forth. I'm forced to think about the state of the political system, and what to do with my dissatisfaction towards it and what it's led to. I'm forced to think about what might happen these next four years, and about how much panic is really justified.
These are difficult topics to think about, but if anything positive has come to light from this election, it's that difficult questions are starting to be asked even more. So I stand in solidarity with all those who find themselves scared and confused by the prospects of the future, worried for the future of others and themselves, because I share those sentiments. All I can say is that it's just the first few days; Trump doesn't even take office until January. We have time to think and question and take action. There is certainly merit in trying to find what led us to this point and what we can do about it, I don't think it should be so fueled by terror and anger. Blame is what so many people find abhorrent about Donald Trump; he blames Muslims and refugees for terrorism, Mexicans and African-Americans for crime, and there are those who rally behind that blame, spurred by fear and hate. A reaction based on blame, I think, won't accomplish anything. As I said, there's nothing wrong with trying to understand the causes for this election, but blame won't solve this country's problems. In fact, it's what has caused many of them. It's divisive at a time when America has already been divided more than enough.
