Did you ever just want to escape? Escape from reality and from the world? A place that no one could touch, no one could ruin. I always wanted to escape, always. I know that using absolutes like always is never a good idea, but it used to be true.
Growing up I loved to play pretend, but as I got older playing pretend turned into daydreaming. Daydreaming is my escape, as it is for everybody. You're putting yourself into hypnosis. You are blocking out the rest of the world and living in your head. Which can be really nice sometimes, but instead of being just nice for me, it became a necessity.
As I started to get older, I started to sink. I started to bury my emotions and decided that I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I didn't want to deal with people or my situation. I would hear from a lot of people "Thank you for being vulnerable.", but I really wasn't being vulnerable. I was just listing facts and I was just stating things that I have physically gone through. I wasn't admitting what was troubling me really. I wasn't admitting my true emotions and true feelings behind those events. It was easy to say "A, B, and C happened to me. I got through it and now I am doing great." That was normally what I would share with people. It seemed vulnerable to them, It seemed like I was putting myself out there, but I wasn't. No one truly knew me.
As a result, I daydreamed, a lot. I started blocking out the world, I would go about my day in a haze. Not really present. When I was present I would feel this large weight on my shoulders and I would want to immediately sink back into a daydream. When I was present I would get headaches and wouldn't feel anything. The only thing that got me up in the morning was when I convinced myself that there was something to get up for, even if that thing was fake. I wasn't really living. Sure I walked through the motions, ask me about my freshman year of high school. I can tell you vague facts about things that I did and who I hung out with, but ask me specifics or to tell you a good memory and I couldn't because I don't remember. I don't remember because I wasn't there mentally.
No matter where I was, if something upset me or I would feel any emotion to anything, I would automatically slip into a daydream, I didn't mean to, it would just happen. I would daydream about my future mostly, about the future that I wanted. I would daydream about everything that I wasn't. I wasn't me in my daydreams, I was someone else entirely. Sure I had the same name, but I always wanted to be someone prettier or someone skinnier. I wanted to fix everything that was "wrong" with me. I wanted to be like the other girls and the only way I could do that was in my head because no matter how much I actually changed myself I would never amount to the girl that I wanted to be. No matter how much I tried and tried and tried I would never acheive the things that I thought I wanted.
I didn't really pay much attention to how often I was daydreaming my freshman and sophomore year because I didn't care. Feeling numb was far better than feeling the emotions of being present in life. I started to really notice the end of my sophomore year and into my junior year because the numbness was too great; because daydreaming wasn't enough anymore; because even in my daydreams I would feel this weight and this pressure and this all consuming darkness. So, I went to counseling.
Counseling helped in more ways that I could have imagined. It was hard and sometimes it really sucked, but it was so necessary. I would get so mad at myself when I wasn't vulnerable with my counselor because I knew she could help. Counseling is what you make of it. If you don't want to be helped, you won't be. If you do want to be helped, you will be. I so desperately wanted to be helped. I wanted out of my own head and out of my own thoughts. I wanted to experience the fullness of life and the beauty of God's creation.
Unfortunately, counseling wasn't the only help I needed. I needed to take a little pill called antidepressants. If you hadn't guessed yet, that impeding darkness that I couldn't get rid of was depression. Is depression. I have to take a pill every morning in order to go about my day. I have to take a pill to feel better about myself. I have to take a pill to get up in the morning. I hate it. I absolutely hate it, but I need it. Counseling was wonderful and it helped me so much, but it wasn't enough to get me out of my head.
The unfortunate part about all of this is that many peoples view and perception of me has probably shifted. Sure, I struggle, but don't we all? Yes, I have depression, but I'm getting better. Every single day I am getting better, slowly, but I am getting better. I am still cheerful, I am still genuine. I still care about others, I care more about others than I do myself, if i'm being honest. I still love Jesus, sure when I began he wasn't my favorite person. I was angry with him, but I still love him.
I am able to name it now because I am getting better, Ask me 4 months ago and I wouldn't dare say the word depression. I didn't want to label it because labels make it so real. Labels forced me to live in the present and I am now grateful for that.
Now, I want to be that rock for others because I felt like I didn't have one (I had many mentors, but I was too stubborn and ashamed to truly share). I want to be a listening ear and a helping hand. I want to be kind and use my story to bring Him glory and to walk along side others in their suffering.
First, I think everyone should go to counseling because life is hard. We should walk along people in their hard times and truly take time to listen to one another. The next time someone asks you "How are you?" I dare you to answer truthfully. See what happens and the next time you ask someone that question be genuine. Don't be expecting a "good" or "fine", be hoping that they will see your true intentions of wanting to hear them. Its amazing what happens when people feel that they are heard. Imagine how many people we could help, just by asking a simple question and truly meaning it.
Lastly, I know this isn't my usual thing. Im sorry there is no comic relief. I wanted to be truly vulnerable, on the internet. It could either be the stupidest or smartest decision I have ever made. I want you to be kind to others, stop being fake. I know what it feels like to be fake and it doesn't feel good. Show people who you are and they can take it or leave it. Its scary, I know, but what happened to our relationships? What happened to wanting to get dinner with people and talk and just share life with them? Why are we so afraid to hear what others truly have to say?
