(Trigger Warning- PTSD, depression, sexual assault, triggers)

My day starts off at 5:45 am. I usually have more alarms set because I can't wake myself up. I also am diagnosed with depression. This makes it increasing difficult to wake myself up in the morning. I usually start getting up at around 6:30 am, which is when I am suppose to be at work. I end up getting up and getting ready. I brush my hair, my teeth, put on a pair of leggings and find a shirt, usually throwing a sweatshirt over top. I find a pair of socks and put them on before slipping on my shoes. Before I walk out the door, I take my medication. One for anxiety, one for depression/anxiety, one for ADHD, and one Beta blocker. I put water in my water bottle and grab a banana to eat. Often times, I don't eat.

I grab my keys and walk out the door at 7:00 am. I am a half hour late to work and I have my first trigger of the day. Being outside when it is dark and not being aware of my surroundings. I can control a few things about this situation, but I can't control them all, which is a trigger for me. I get into my car and lock the doors behind me. I drive to work battling two things: a panic attack or dissociation. When I get to work, I lock my car behind me and walk into the place where I work. It's not a huge walk but it is far enough where if something were to happen, nobody would be able to see, which gives me even more anxiety. I walk into the school and deal with the panic attack or dissociation that I am already having.

Usually, I am okay for that shift. It usually depends on a few things, if the kids are loud and if someone touches me. I DO NOT like being touched. This is one of my main triggers. I was raped 4 years ago (It will be 5 years on the 11th) and being touched can either cause a panic attack or cause me to have a flashback. When that shift ends, 2 days a week I go to work with 2-year-olds.

Those days, I get into my car and drive straight to work. I have a half hour between shifts so I will sometimes go and get a few things done or just sit in my car and listen to music and do other things. When I go inside, I am okay. With 2-year-olds, I'm better because they don't understand what happened to me and they as 2-year-olds could never hurt me, so I am okay. I have dissociated, but I managed to ground myself quickly.

During any other day of the week when I go home, I usually don't stop unless I have to. I will either sleep (which messes with my sleep cycle) or watch something and read a book. I have a panic attack sometimes when I am at home, and occasionally I dissociate and I use what my therapist has taught me to ground myself after and deal with what is going on.

Speaking of my therapist, once a week during these off times from work, I go and see my therapist. This is the 7th or 8th therapist that I have seen since my assault. It took me a very long time to find a therapist that I feel like I can get to the deep roots of my issues. I have been seeing her for about a month and a half and I have gotten more done and have gotten to the root of a lot more issues then I have in 6 months to a year with a different therapist. I have learned new coping skills, grounding techniques, and identified 17 triggers. This, is a huge accomplishment for me. I honestly believe everyone could benefit from seeing a therapist. No matter if you have a diagnosed mental illness or not, there are things that people go through in their daily life a therapist could help them with.

Then after that break, I go back to work from 2:30 am-6 pm. At this site, I work with kindergartners. I find myself triggered when kids begin to jump on me and slap me on the butt and run their heads into me from behind. They also often get very loud, which can send me into dissociation. I usually have to wait this one out if I don't catch it early enough. If I do catch it before I get very dissociative, then I can ground myself and work on mindfulness.

When I leave work, I sometimes go to the store. Trigger number, well honestly I lost count, I hate crowds. I hate being around people I don't know. I don't know their history. I don't know who they are and that frightens me. I try to rush through the store as quickly as possible. I always have panic attacks, and I am very hyper-vigilant and hyper-aware. I will check my surroundings the entire time I am in a store. I also rush through stores to get out of there quicker. I hate public places.

Then, I will go home. Since I have to wake up early I will watch a little bit of something on Netflix or Hulu. I will try to eat something, but that is questionable. I eat sometimes, but really not that often. I will either take a shower or do yoga. Sometimes I do yoga after I take a shower, sometimes after. The shower usually causes me anxiety and panic attacks. I am finding that if my anxiety level gets too high, I will dissociate. Now, I will listen to calming music and light a candle in the bathroom to help keep me calm. So far, it's working, but it has only been a few days.

Before I go to bed, I meditate. I like to try to calm myself down completely. It usually helps to calm me down but not to fall asleep. Before I even attempt to go to sleep, I take 3 more medications, one for nightmares, one as a sedative, and some melatonin to top it all off. Even with these medications, it will take me hours to fall asleep. When I sleep, I have nightmares of being assaulted again, which will cause me to wake up. My brain now fears nighttime, so it's harder to fall asleep at night. It's often a battle of trying to trick my brain into allowing me to sleep. Eventually, I do fall asleep ,and my day starts all over again.

There are a lot of common misconceptions about mental health in general and also about PTSD. Like PTSD isn't real. PTSD has changed the way I react to situations. My body thinks most situations are dangerous and I am in fight or flight mode. My body is almost always in fight or flight mode. This is a very real, very serious issue. Another common misconception about PTSD is that people with PTSD are unstable and violent/dangerous. Speaking for myself, I have NEVER been dangerous and I have never been violent. Frankly, violence is a trigger for me. I do not like violence, and if someone begins to get aggressive, I automatically go into fight or flight mode. I am also not "unstable." I seek therapy once a week and have managed my symptoms for a long time without anything happening. PTSD is a very misunderstood mental illness, not unlike ALL mental illnesses.

If you have questions, you can always ask, and if they are uncomfortable answering, there is ALWAYS the internet.