I’ve been sick too many times to count since arriving on campus, so many times that I’ve thought about how the germs spawn and travel from person to person This is the output of such thoughts. Enjoy.

Germs have one task in life — get as many people sick from you as possible. They move from place to place, infecting each and every person they touch.

One day, a momma germ and a papa germ with their child, a wee baby germ, get picked up on the hand of a football player as he’s in the dining hall. It’s the baby germ’s first time to shine, and the entire family is so excited.

“Remember to latch onto the first person you see,” the momma germ reminds her child.

They stay on the boy for some time, managing to escape in the .1% of the hand sanitizer that doesn’t get rid of germs as the football player leaves the dining hall. (I SWEAR I USE HAND SANITIZER IT JUST DOESN’T WORK. ok rant over)

As the boy’s hand approaches a door handle, the momma and papa germ prepare to move onto it, expecting their baby to follow them.

When the boy turns the handle, two of the germs make it off, but the baby one doesn’t. His launching skill lags a little, so he instead makes it to the stairwell railing.

Typically a baby germ would be useless without its parents, but the mamma germ and papa germ taught this one well, and he sits there and waits for his next victim.

His next victim is a wide-eyed freshman girl on her way to Latin class (aka ME) who decides to use the railing as she’s walking up the steps. She does so subconciously, not even realizing she could be collecting germs.

Baby germ is ready for action this time, latching onto the girl’s hand as she slides it up the railing.

He stays with her for the rest of the day, again dodging the hand sanitizer at the dining hall (BECAUSE IT DOESN’T WORK) as she goes for lunch after class.

She eats her french fries in peace, unknowingly putting baby germ onto the fries and into her mouth.

Fast forward to the next morning, and she’s sick.

And while baby germ was infiltrating our poor freshman’s body, his momma and papa germ were busy having more baby germs, and those baby germs were making other students sick, and the cycle continues until everyone on campus is sick and the plague returns.

The End.

Note: While this might not actually be how people get sick on campus, it’s still pretty funny. If you have a better idea of how germs spawn and move through the day (but you don’t), let me know.