I've been seeing a lot of you humans say things like "I hate my life" and "finals are hard." All you talk about are your "daily struggles." Well, let me tell you: if you lived one day in my shoes, you would wish that you were back in your musty classroom, checking Facebook in the back of the class while pretending to pay attention. Do you know how hard it is for spoons? Do you understand what my life is like? No. You really don't. If you can pull your face away from pretending to study for two seconds, I will fill you in on the life that is mine: the life of a spoon.

1. Hearing the phrase "spooning" as a positive.

I assume this phrase comes from the way you humans arrange us in drawers until you care to use us for your selfish purposes. I personally do not understand what romantic connotation can possibly come from being placed closely together with others of your kind in a dark and small space for extended period of times. I don't know, maybe I'm the weird one. I, however, do not get warm fuzzies from the idea of "spooning." I actually find it pretty offensive and feel that there should a campaign for slang against spoons.

2. Listening to "A Spoonful of Sugar..." any time a little human needs what you call "medicine."

I am not sure why you fully-sized humans feel the need to sing this God forsaken tune any time one of the little humans drinks "medicine." It absolutely does not make the little one more inclined to consume the liquid you are trying to force down their throats. To be perfectly frank, I can see why. I mean, it feels sticky and smells like cleaning products. You are only adding to the less-than-fabulous experience by choosing this song to be in your repertoire.

3. When I am dropped for emphasis.

Just keep me in your hands! It isn't that hard. What seems like a mere drop to you is traumatic for me. Have some consideration...jeez...

4. When I am used to feed the furry ones.

I mean, come on, this is obviously unsettling. JUST THINK OF WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR ME! I'm not dumb, I know that the creature's tongue has been used for all sorts of nasty things (such as cleaning themselves or eating that absolutely foul smelling substance that you put in bowls for them). Why would I want any part of that tongue near me? I don't. Just to be clear, I don't.

5. Not to mention the drooling demons...

Do not even get me started....it's abuse. It is downright abuse.

6. I hate being blamed for your lack of self control.

You are the one inhaling the food that you place on my face. You are the one lifting me to that hole under your nose and, quite frankly, violating my personal space with your tongue just to be certain that you have cleaned me of anything edible. Let me assure you: you were successful. Congratulations.

7. Spoons have feelings, too.

Just because we don't talk much does not mean we aren't self-conscious about our bodies. Your levels of awareness and sensitivity are touching, really. No, seriously, I'm not crying...I just came out of the dishwasher...NO REALLY, I AM JUST PEACHY.

On that note, it feels super awesome being used as a drumstick. You should keep that up.

Oh wait...I'm actually enjoying envisioning being used to feed you arsenic. Of course, that's a little extreme—instead, I drench you with water when you try to wash me by hand...I think we know who came out on top there.

So really, your life is not all that awful. Just think, you could be a spoon. I hope this has made you feel a little more thankful for your place in this universe. This is Spoon, signing out!