It was the summer of 2014. I had just turned 17 and had been dumped by my first boyfriend. I was convinced that this 7 month relationship had given me the wisdom to avoid having my heart broken again. I knew what I wanted. A clean cut boy with a bit of edge. I was totally against drug use and I looked down on those who partied. About halfway through the summer I was introduced by a friend to a boy. She had described him as bashful with little self confidence. We chatted for a while over text and he seemed funny and charming. After a few weeks we agreed to meet. It was awful. He was off putting and only spoke of his partying escapades. That did not appeal to me and I decided then to end our communication.

However, he did not accept that. Something about me intrigued him. I think it was his desire to corrupt me. Or maybe he noticed my caring nature and realized how much he could benefit from being with me. I'm not sure. Anyway, he eventually wore me down. He presented himself as a someone who had not been dealt the best cards and ended up on the wrong path. He told me that I made him want to change. I was hesitant but it wasn't long until I gave in. He was then arrested for drug possession and put on house arrest. I was almost relieved. "This is the end," I thought. A few days after the arrest he called me and poured out what he claimed were his true feelings. He said that he was so sorry that he had done this to me and that he didn't want to lose me.

I believed him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and for a long time he impressed me. It seemed to me that he truly loved me and had turned his life around. I was happy. This carried on for months. Then my life fell apart. He got on my phone when I wasn't in the room and found what he believed were means to break up. Texts from a male friend of mine that he saw as flirtatious. He blew up. He yelled and cried. He threatened to end his own life. I was also in shambles. I didn't want to lose him. He was my best friend. At 17 I thought he was the love of my life. Nothing stopped him. He wouldn't let me explain. He just left.

Days later I saw that he was at a party with a girl he had assured me not to worry about. Within a week they were dating and "in love." I felt so alone. Nothing made me happy. This was when I first discovered my issues with codependency. I did not love myself. In fact, I hated myself. I drove away the one person I cared the most for. It took a few months but after a while I guess you could say I moved on.

Then that halloween everything changed. He reached out to me and told me he needed to apologize for how things had ended. I again gave him the benefit of the doubt and drove to see him so that he could apologize. He told me about how he had enlisted in the navy and how the whole time he was in this other relationship all he could think about is how much he missed me and how much better I made him (Now I am realizing how selfish that was). I complied. I felt as though I had learned my lesson and he wouldn't walk all over me this time. And for a while, it was better. I was going to make him prove himself to me.

Thats when things went south very fast. He fell back into his patterns of self hatred. He would disappear for days and never tell me where he was or who he was with. He avoided me at all costs most of the time but ever so often would give me a glimmer of hope and spend time with me. He cried in my arms telling me that he had a drug problem but he was going to try to fix it. And then he did something so awful. He made me promise not to tell his family. His burden was now mine. I spent all of my nights staying up trying to keep him from killing himself. Nights I should've been sleeping because I had school. I couldn't, because I was too worried about him. And I couldn't tell his family, because if I did I would've been betraying his trust. He would use that as leverage to leave me. My world revolved around him. I lost weight and grew sick. The only person I confided in was my art teacher. He looked out for me and would try to make me feel better by joking with me.

Everyone could tell I was withering away. My clothes hung off of me. My usually vibrant personality disappeared and I became anxious and irritable. I didn't speak much, and aside from cheer, spent most of my time alone. I was told he was cheating on me. I attempted to address it but then it continued and I allowed it. I just wanted him to be safe. I wanted him to know that I loved him.

On the day of my cheerleading competition he called me to tell me he was going to get clean. I was sitting with the cheer squad and began to sob. I was so happy. This was it. We were going to be together and everything was finally going to work out. It didn't. About a month after his attempted sobriety he told me that he couldn't be with me. That he didn't care enough about himself to be able to care about someone else.

But I knew that wasn't possible. Here I had been, never considering my own health and always worrying about him and he couldn't care about me? I was infuriated. I was angry with him for putting me through hell. I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Thanks to my friends (specifically my sister and my best friends Veronica and Lauren) I realized how much more I deserved. I was compassionate and understanding now. I constantly put the needs of others before my own. And I loved myself for that.

I am getting a little teary eyed writing this now.

I love myself. I am confident in myself. I have been through things that no 19 year old should have to and I am able to finally put myself first. I love my friends and I love my life. I am at college meeting new people and discovering myself more and more every day.

I am in a healthy, loving relationship. I am admired every day and it feels wonderful.

My heart is full.

To all of you people out there who are dating someone with absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves, please know that you can do better. YOU deserve better. You don't need to worry and take care of someone else. That is not what a relationship is. Its about caring for someone and supporting them. Its two people who thrive on their own and also do well together. You can't be the only one contributing to the relationship. It requires work from each party.

My final words are to learn to love yourself. Its hard to be in a healthy relationship when you expect the other person to be the part of you that you love the most. I hope that with this I've helped you realize your worth. I hope you know that you aren't alone. And above all, I hope you love yourself.