One time my mom tried to pimp me out to a Mark Ruffalo lookalike on a plane headed from Boston. It's important to note that my mom can talk to anyone, and I do mean anyone - she’s never met a stranger. On her way home from a business trip, she just happened to be sat next to a particularly handsome guy. As the story goes: They got to talking and my mom mentioned the fact that she has two kids. Though I’m sure my sister was mentioned in this conversation between my mom and FMR (Fake Mark Ruffalo), I became the star of their chat due to my particular attraction to RMR (Real Mark Ruffalo). Ahem.
Here’s the thing: My mom just really wants me to date someone. Literally, anyone. Re: the fact that she tried to pimp me out to a Mark Ruffalo lookalike on a plane headed from Boston. I guess my mom looked at FMR and decided that I would one day fall in love with him if given the opportunity, so she created one. She got his phone number with the promise of passing it along to me. I was 18, he was 23. I never used his phone number because, contrary to what my mom believes, the situation was a little weird and invasive.
She meant well, but she’s tried to get me to date and, on the occasion, marry so many guys I’m starting to feel like I’m in a Jane Austen novel. That is to say, my mother acts a lot like Mrs. Bennett trying to find husbands for her daughters before their prime has passed. I appreciate her efforts, but after she ran into the mother of the guy I had a thing with in high school and told her that she thought he and I were meant for each other, I had to put my foot down. She quickly crossed the line from being silly to stalking a future that will never happen. To this day, she still suggests that I might marry the first boy I ever had a crush on. That was in elementary school in Texas. My mother is certifiably insane, and I say that with the utmost respect for the woman who carried me for nine months in utero and then pushed me from her body.
I love my mom. She’s great and she makes life a little more interesting. However, I’m one marriage set up away from sitting her down for an intervention. I pray to the notorious G-O-D that I am not the only daughter who has to deal with this on the semi-reg. I think my family thinks I’m incapable of finding a young gentlemen on my own, and there’s probably some merit behind that logic, but I’m not a dating invalid. I’m aware of my flaws. Half of the time I’m too picky to settle and the other half I’m too shy to even make eye contact. However, I have enough self-esteem and confidence to get someone by myself thankyouverymuch.
To the mother’s of the world who do this to their daughters, heed my advice: Contrary to popular belief, we’re doing better than it seems like we are. And to my mother, specifically: Please stop projecting your desires onto me. I’ll call you more if you do, I promise.
