As I skim my newsfeed on Facebook, I notice that many of my friends are either engaged, getting married, or announcing that a baby is on the way. As a perpetually single person, I find myself biding my time until that special someone comes into my life. I'm not bothered by my relationship status, as I'm focused on other areas of my life and "it will be what it will be," as the cliche goes. My relationship status aside, I have taken note of some alarming features of the dating habits of college students and other young adults.
The feature that bothers me most is the lack of intimacy within relationships. There is a difference between intimacy and sex, and I'm afraid the two have become synonymous. It seems that society not only perpetuates a relationship model that is unattached, quick, and dirty, but also based on sexual intercourse as the primary form of intimacy. The latter surely contributes to the former. I'm taking action with an open letter in the hope that it can start a shift in perceptions of dating and dating habits.
To people participating in romantic relationships/partnerships:
I see your pictures with one another on social media along with other noted happy couple activities, but I wonder: what are your motivations in your relationship? We live in a technological frenzy that has made dating and relationships more accessible with the proliferation of dating websites, phone applications like Tinder, and free pornography. The most important rhetorical question one should keep in mind is not "Is this the true substance of dating?" but rather "Is this the true substance of love?" If a couple's motivation is centered on how many "likes" a photograph has on Facebook, it makes me wonder if that couple is not just using their partner to prop themselves up.
We need to reinvigorate relationships with reality. Invest more time in getting to know your partner than posting pictures about your relationship on Twitter. Be candid with one another by sharing your political, religious, and other personal beliefs. A sturdy relationship is built on face-to-face communication, not secrets or phone conversations. Memorize the way the edges of his eyes crinkle when you tell a joke or the shape of a freckle above her lip. See your relationship in the flesh instead of on a screen or through a viewfinder. Go out to dinner, put your phones at the center of the table, and make it a rule that the person who touches their cell phone first pays the bill and tip. Be present.
Relationships seem to find more growth and fun when spontaneity occurs. Take an unplanned trip to New York City or the Amish country. Pick flowers together while out on a walk or dance and sing in your socks. Be goofy. A mature relationship can thrive with goofiness. Stop taking yourselves so seriously and live.
It's always important to examine the state of your relationship. My belief is to date with the intention of marriage. Whatever your intentions, be sure that your relationship is a true partnership, in that each person is informed of the other's intentions. With the initial intention of true partnership, honesty is implicit and the most important factor in any circumstance. Do not avoid hard questions or conflict and then ask yourself why the relationship isn't working. The moment a voice is raised or shrill crying ensues is the moment communication breaks down.
Be thoughtful and be present. Those are two of the most important ingredients in the substance of love.
