Most of us, at some point, will have participated in, at least once, the two social acts known as dating and job hunting by the time we reach full grown adulthood, and maybe even many times after that. To make a living, discover our calling, and pay the bills, we must first job hunt. To find companionship with someone and possibly find someone to live with, marry, grow with, we must first engage in social dating.
Typically, we keep these processes separate from each other, one is to find our career and build our work life, the other is to build our social and home life. It wasn’t until recently, after spending months within the job hunting phase after graduating from undergrad, that I saw similarities between these two social processes that I hadn’t realized before. Job hunting is a process of pursuit and investment, which can either end in success or failure. Sound familiar?
Noticing the parallels helped me to understand the emotional pain that I was struggling with, and hadn’t anticipated, as I was searching to get my first real adult job out of college.
Amongst all the craziness of finishing up senior year classes and preparing my resume for the hunt, I had told myself that I wasn’t going to be naïve. I was going to be realistic. Not everything would work out. We all heard the “rumors” that scoring your dream career start out of undergrad was highly unlikely, but of course, you still kept dreaming that you’ll be the lucky one because you’ve got all the experience and the smarts. Those others must not have had the eye for design like you do to make your resume pop.
Plus, you’ve got recommendations coming out the wazoo. Piece of cake finding your forever career, right? Wrong. Piece of cake finding your soul mate, right? Wrong.
Of course, I learned real fast that the real world wasn’t all sunshine and endless success right out the door, especially when I was rejected from the position that I was convinced was my shot to my dream career. Don’t we feel that way when our first love ends too? Crushed. But when you make it to the other side, it sure feels good.
Okay, I’ve pointed out a few of the similarities been job hunting and dating (their both hard and it feels good when we find “the one”), but allow me to blow your mind when I show you there’s even more. Let’s begin.
Phase One: The Search
The act of finding someone to date can involve a few different approaches. There’s magically running into an amazing someone during your afternoon coffee run, an introduction through mutual friends, the ole meeting in college or high school, online dating profiles, etc.
Each approach involves a level of assessment. Assessment of their appearance, their personality, and what appear to be their underlying values, and their compatibility to you.
The act of finding a job that intrigues you enough to apply involves an assessment of the company’s goals, values, and their compatibility to you and your career aspirations and strengths. Plus filling out endless profiles, resumes, and writing cover letters.
In each scenario, you can either choose to pursue one at a time and hope for the best, or choose to pursue multiple opportunities at once to determine which offers the best outcome, the best match. Playing the field, as they say.
Phase Two: The First Contact
When job hunting, the first contact you make with the business or program is two one-page documents that list your qualifications and explains (begs) them to hire you. Like anyone for a dating profile, or even your social media profiles, you want even your most mediocre accomplishments to impress and stand out, so you may exaggerate a smidge. You want me to know excel, so of course, I’m an expert.
Of course, I like adventure, even though by that I mean adventuring off my couch into the real world because I want ice cream or pizza. It is within this stage that while trying to impress the other, your continually double checking to make sure you still want them too. You want to work with them because you would be great together. Excitement starts to grow as you begin picturing yourself with that person or with that business.
Phase Three: First Meetings and First Impressions
Ah, the first date. A time where we dress up to feel our best and put our best self forward. The clothes are clean. The hair looks flawless. You super nervous, but at the same time, a little excited. Sound like something else we dress up all fancy for? A job interview perhaps?
In either situation, you end up in some form of a chair: a bar seat, a restaurant booth, a couch, a movie theater chair, or a chair across from a desk. You’re nervous and you want it to go well. Conversation starts flowing while you’re learning more about them as they learn more about you. You start to think that they have what you want in a job (relationship), and as you walk out the office door (restaurant) you have this feeling that maybe they feel the same about you. Too bad you must wait to find out.
Phase Four: The Outcome
Now what is the outcome in dating, in job hunting? After a first date, they can either call or text you back, which will result in more time spent together and the possible flourishing of a relationship. They can also not call you resulting in disappointment and despair. When your dream job, or aspiration at the moment, doesn’t call you or they send that dreaded rejection email, similar feelings send you moping to the couch with a bucket of ice cream and a ten-hour binge of Friends or Gilmore Girls.
In either success or rejection, your family and friends say the same thing. “Oh that’s so great, congratulations!” or “That sucks, but don’t fret, someone (something) better will come along. This just wasn’t meant to be.” That last one never seems to do the trick, no matter how sincere they are.
It's interesting, right? Realizing that these two processes that society puts us through are so similar was, after much reflection, comforting to me. While we talk about our crushes, dates, relationships, and breakups on a regular basis, we don't talk about the emotional side to job hunting. It's just if you don't get it, try, try again.
When I began to think about it in terms of dating, I was able to put meaning to my pain. I've found success in my love life after some periods of pain, so, I eventually gained the hope and confidence that pushed me towards my current job. I'm happy to finally be somewhere.
