Dating Advice For Sophomores With Justice Seymour

By: Justice Seymour

Hello! I’m Justice Seymour. On this day of our precious lorde and saviour, Shia LaBeouf, it has proven that the school year is almost at an end. This means my life as a sophomore in college is coming to an end, and that I have learned even more secrets to getting that wacky tack into the slimey back of the hoove-horned moose down the road by the Chili’s (as if this town even HAD a Chili’s). I am talking about, of course, how to find love in this god forsaken stage of your life. And on these adventures, I have discovered many a thing. 1) It’s all done online, 2) kids these days are dtf (down to fornicate) almost ALL the time, and 3) I am the cooliest of cool ladies men (and men ladies) and perfectly qualified to help you find that one special person to watch you waste in your own filth as you watch them waste in their own filth a good (hopefully) 40-50 years from now.

STEP ONE: Get the Tinders, OkCupids, and FarmersOnly Dating Applifornications

One of the things I have learned during my stint on the online webufications is that nobody, I mean NO ONE likes for you to talk to them in person. Just the other day, I walked up to a woman and said, “Hey, those milk jugs look heavy, mind if I grab ‘em?” to which she replies, “Oh, yes, thanks babe.”

After I helped my mother from putting up the groceries, I went on a walk over to the local gas station to get a pack of non-weed related cigarillos. It was there that I saw the cashier that poot all cashiers to shame. She was tall, blonde haired and brown eyed with a toocus that puts Kim Kardashian to shame (in body to ass ratio, of course.) I said to her, “My god, you look like a greek goddess,” and she replied “Aww, tanks, Tinder me!” I thought this was a strange thing to say. I would have much rathered to get her phone number right then and there, but, the crowd pleaser that I am, I decided to go straight home, download Tinder, and find my hopeful/eventual bride to be (Spoiler alert: She isn’t. And here’s why!)

It was on Tinder that I truly began to find my taste in women! I didn’t want to swipe people I knew, except the Goddess of EZ Mart, so I just swiped accordingly. It was then that I saw a woman on there that I kind of knew. She was okay looking, she didn’t do the stupid Snapchat filter of like a dog or weird princess, which was a plus. Which I must say, LADIES, quit using that filter! It’s not that great, it’s not even that cute. What it is is annoying! How would you feel if, all day every day, you just saw pics of guys with a Super Mario filter and just a big ass mustache and plumbers hat. And that was ALL you saw of them. That would suck? REALLY? Then quit doing it!

Anyways, I recognized this woman, which was enough for me to swipe left (for the uninitiated: left is no and right is yes). The problem is that, if you have any sort of upwards trajectory, you end up “super liking” a person. A super like, for you none laid laymen, is when you REALLY want this person to notice you on Tinder so you super like them and they see who liked them. Like they show your face and everything. SO, I swiped left on this girl and I had the upwards trajectory of a barely erect penis, and I accidentally super liked this woman! Out of fear and utter anguish I asked all my female friends and male friends what to do. Like I said, I KNEW this person. I mean, we didn’t hang out or anything but I saw her at least once or twice a week. She saw me order pizza once! What was I to do!?

In a great panic, I deleted my tinder and have not seen the cashier since.

STEP TWO: Creating a Profile

Back in my Facebook days, building a profile for anything was just a bother. I didn’t know who I was, what I was doing, or why I was even using a social media website. I just wanted to snoop on my friends and know why they could say “SOO, BORED OMG” and never hit me up. But now, in my 20 something years of age (I’m just 20. Not even SOMETHING), I knew what I had to do. Like my Uncle Connor always says, “Oversharing is never overbearing.” So, to say I put my whole life story on my profile was an understatement. I went wayyy farther than my life. I talked about my future, the name of my yet to be born offspring, and even how I was gonna die! (Shot in a dark alley on March 17th, 2043, by a man named Jim Black, may have an alias of James Darksmith, if you know this man, help save my future.) Even the overview section, where you have just one sentence to describe your whole personality and profile, was quite the hook for all the womens! It read:

I’m Sad, Lonely, and Desperate. I have no hope for love. Help me. Oh, God, please, please, help me.

JUST TELL ME that isn’t swipe right material!

STEP FOUR: I Can Count, I Just Can’t Tell You Step Three.

The name of the game is networking. Even if you get on a dating site and nobody likes you or the people you don’t want to like you like you, give them a chance! You never know when that one person you really didn’t want to go on a date with will sweep you off your feet and into a long and fruitful relationship. You also never know if that person ends up shooting you in an ally in 26 years from now with a .44 Magnum 6 shooter revolver. But, at the very least, you might just make a new friend.

CONCLUSIONS

So maybe online dating isn’t for you. That’s fine. On there, you’re just a face with words underneath you. At least in real life you’re a person with feelings and a body and pent up sexual frustration. Oh, and a personality. You never know when that special person comes along. Maybe you’re not supposed to look. Maybe, just maybe, they will come along naturally, and you’ll end up happily ever after. At least until 2046. For real guys, I do not wish to die this way. And with that, I leave you.

P.S. Watch The Leftovers. Comes out April 16th on HBO!